[5.23 Supplement What I don’t understand the most is why my daughter told me that she wrote this letter to reassure me and to tell me that she is much better? Or is she actually comforting me? 】

My daughter has good grades since childhood, very well-behaved, and very obedient…I don’t know why she suddenly got this disease…

At the beginning of March this year, she wrote me a letter. I was very distressed when I read the content of the letter. I don’t know if she is blaming us… I don’t know what I can do for her…

I can only be very careful not to mention her pain…but in May she quarreled with me again. It was the rare quarrel with me in such a long time…she said:” You don’t understand me at all. I told you everything. You will only tell me to overcome this disease together and tell me that things will get better, but no one has ever told me that you have suffered… “

I really don’t understand, should I mention her pain again?

What should i do?
ps. My daughter has very good grades. Before she got sick, she was in the forefront of the city….Now I don’t care about these anymore, whether her grades are good or not, as long as she is normal and happy…

I hope you can let me understand what my daughter’s letter is really saying… from a mother…

Let me add that my daughter has been taking medical drugs for about two or three years… Thank you very much to those friends who suggested regular treatment in time.

If you add the history of her daughter’s depression in the days before the diagnosis, it’s about five years… Some time ago, her father had a fight with her because she truthfully filled out her medical history when he registered for the college entrance examination. (This matter is her father’s fault, I have already told him, and I have also talked about this issue with my daughter.)

What I don’t understand is that my daughter told me to write this letter to show me that she is much better. Is this true? Is she comforting me for fear that I am worried?


By zhiwo

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7 months ago

As a person with very strong empathy ability, I felt a little stomachache after reading it. Answer with my own feelings, and at the same time give a little advice to the child’s parents. First of all, the overall feeling is that your daughter is a very well-behaved child, and very good, that’s why she has such a concrete and beautiful writing. At the same time, your children can feel the love that mom and dad have for themselves. This love is not unbearable, but it is an unintelligible love. The child wrote this letter to seek understanding. As a depression patient, the love of understanding (rather than the instinct of love) of relatives combined with medication is the best. I can only be very careful not to mention her pain…but in May she quarreled with me again. It was the rare quarrel with me in such a long time…she said:” You don’t understand me at all. I told you everything. You will only tell me to overcome this disease together and tell me that things will get better, but no one has ever told me that you have suffered… “In this part, you can see that you and your child’s father just accepted the child’s illness and worked hard to take the child to the doctor. But in my heart, I still feel: You children are sick because you are so happy in your life. In our age, there are so many ideas if you can’t eat enough and don’t wear warmth. It’s all idle. Your child is very sensitive, even if mom and dad didn’t say these words, they can feel it. So my opinion is that if you want your daughter to be truly healed, you have to accept your child’s illness from your heart. Depression is sickness. This analogy does not hold true for children who were not born in the era of lack of food and clothing. You are not a fish, you don’t know the joy of fish, and you don’t understand the suffering of fish. But as a non-depressive person, they simply don’t experience their real psychological pain. Many people are very insensitive. So what can be done is: I really don’t know how you feel. But I believe you, not groaning without illness, you are indeed sick, and I respect you. This mental illness is as important as the physical illness, and it needs respect. But it is also demanding to let people who have never had this disease understand the feelings of those who are sick. Just like the analogy of a child, how can a person and a cat communicate? We are a cat on the opposite side of you, so why are you on the opposite side as a cat? (Edit, um~ To be honest, I actually have some dyslexia. She said that her metaphor is a bit too much, and she writes like a pig. I think the metaphor of cat is not too much to be brought into a pig. I don’t mean to insult the pig. Thank you Zhiyou for your correction. I pointed out the two mistakes. Thank you.) In paragraphs 1-7, your daughter is writing that she is not understood. And the next few paragraphs: Fortunately, I start to live slowly now, otherwise I can’t judge that I was slowly dying before. I have had a lot of happiness, but what I want to say now is that my life is too miserable and too long. These few words show that the child is slowly recovering, and she can already perceive happiness. She will slowly appreciate the beauty of life, comparing the gloomy time before and the sun now. But [too long], these words mean that the child is still depressed and still not well. Most of the people who are not sick are happy. They don’t think their lives are too long, but they feel that they are living too fast. His father quarreled with the child when he registered for the college entrance examination and the child reported truthfully. Your daughter is also worried about whether her future will be affected by this incident. I know a child who was severely depressed at university. After receiving the counselor’s suggestion to go to the hospital for treatment, she asked my first question: Will my treatment affect my future? Then I started crying and became anxious. (Revised, my friend reminded me that I was wrong here. The father quarreled with the child and the father was worried that the child would be affected in the future. However, the child reported truthfully, indicating that the child can accept his depression is a common disease, just like other diseases. It’s the same thing as if you can’t engage in some professions with myopia. In fact, it’s a good thing. Much better mentality than the girl I met.) Although I am very stubborn, I love you very much. When a child is sick, parents feel most distressed. So I can understand that when the child is sick, parents still have the meaning of hating iron but not steel. So you will faintly show that this child, how do you complain like this, the child will be so self-evaluated. She is so sensible, even if she feels complaints, she also feels love. What she wants to say in this letter is: I especially want to seek your understanding, but if you really can’t do it, I will try to recover by myself! Hey, I’m quite stuck after writing, I hope you can help your daughter!

7 months ago

One of my students, she just passed her eighteenth birthday a few days ago, and she also suffered from depression. She told me that day, teacher, when will you write about me? I said yes, so today I will write about her! She is very similar to your daughter, she was once among the best in her grades, and she is also very good, and she has the same sensitive nerves and writing style as your daughter. Some of the words she wrote in Zhihu made me feel amazing. I am writing this article today and I have no intention of discussing how her depression came about. This is no longer meaningful. Depression is just like a cold. You don’t know how to get it, and it’s too cruel to your children and their parents. A mother who once had a child, she asked what if her daughter committed suicide due to depression in Zhihu? At that time, there was an answer that made me burst into tears almost instantly. She said, Auntie, your daughter did not commit suicide, but she passed away from illness, so don’t torture yourself anymore. Many people tend to stubbornly think that their children have depression and their parents and families bear the unshirkable responsibility. In fact, this is not the case. Again, many diseases, including depression, are only affected by the environment and really play a decisive role. It is the body itself. You must know that the neurotransmitter secretion of depression patients is actually a problem, not just a bad mood. Therefore, the past cannot be chased, only the future can be expected. I wrote this answer, in fact, I want to talk to the parents of depressed children, how to get along with them, because my student told me that I was in her life. The light. Ashamed, I actually did very little to her, but even so, she felt that it was her light, showing how dark their lives had become. First of all, please face her pain squarely. When my student first got depression, he couldn’t listen to class. He just wanted to lie in bed every day. He didn’t even have the strength to come to school. At that time, many teachers at the school thought she was wayward, and some even thought she was pretending to be sick. Many people with depression actually encounter this kind of problem in their lives. Many people will tell them that depression is just a bad mood. Everyone is in a bad mood. Why are you in a bad mood? ? In fact, the biggest harm from depression is not a bad mood, but a loss of enthusiasm for everything. This loss of enthusiasm is different from what we are not interested in, but they will be so exhausted that they have no strength to get up. Some patients with depression may even lose their language when they are severely depressed, that is, they lose language function. Therefore, as a parent, you must have a scientific understanding of depression at this time. Knowing that the child’s pain is seen and recognized is actually a great comfort to the child. Secondly, provide hidden but effective help to children. I won’t talk about taking the child to a regular hospital for formal treatment in time. I will just talk about the most unwilling problem faced by families of depression patients, and how to prevent the child from losing control of his emotions and hurting himself. One day my student texted me and said, what happens if you jump down on the sixth floor? I almost jumped up from the sofa at the time, but I adjusted my emotions and said calmly to her: “Take the medicine and get a good night’s sleep.” Then I quickly contacted her parents, who was then her father. Not at home, I told him to go home quickly. Fortunately, nothing happened to the child. Therefore, if there is depression at home, try not to leave her alone at home. The windows of buildings above three floors are sealed, and knives and medicines that can hurt themselves must be kept away. Remember, don’t be too obvious when doing this, and don’t tell your children that I do this to guard against you, so that they will also be hurt. Third, think of ways to get into the heart of the child. Once I asked my student to come to my house to play. When she came to my house that day, she saw sodium valproate on my table. She asked me who took this medicine? I told her that this is the medicine my son is taking, and he wants to take this medicine to prevent abnormal brain discharge. I had no reservations about her, so she told me that she was also taking this medicine. At that moment, she should have felt something positive. After all, she is not only sick in this world, other people will also get sick and need medicine. Because she took the initiative to tell me that her hands were shaking when she was eating vegetables because of the medicine. When she came to my house to eat fruit, I found her hands were shaking, but I didn’t ask. Therefore, sometimes it takes a little patience and frankness to walk into the child’s heart, and she can take the initiative to walk towards you if you don’t reserve her. Many parents always keep asking depressed children. This kind of questioning will not only fail to open the children’s heart, but will put more pressure on them. She was always very happy that day when we went out to eat together. Even if she ate very little, we talked a lot, and even talked about the boy her first love liked. I am her teacher, but I never mind talking about it with students. Sometimes I even tell her that I also like people who can’t ask for it. We talked late that day, and she told me that she was learning to broadcast, and sometimes she was picking up some small jobs online, earning dozens of dollars. I especially supported her to do this at the time, because as far as depression is concerned, as long as she wants to do something, it means that her condition is getting better. No matter what she wants to do, she should support her unconditionally at this time. In other words, the biggest harm of depression is to lose interest in everything. After thinking about it, I only did this for her, not much, but it was enough to make her feel a ray of light. I hope that every child with depression is in the dark, but there is a ray of light to guide them out of the quagmire.

7 months ago

Not surprisingly, people who are good at controlling their emotions are more likely to suffer from depression than people who are emotional in the eyes of others. Because emotional people are offensive to the outside world, you will feel better after the noise is over. Depressed people, when dealing with others, the tip of the knife is pointed at themselves, and it is easier to give people around them the feeling of being obedient and obedient. For depressed people who have relatively high intelligence and have never been abused, do not blindly ask them to be optimistic and cheerful. Such comfort will only be counterproductive. Related reading: Because people with high intelligence, think about the world and explore themselves more frequently than ordinary people, it is precisely because they can’t see hope that they will be pessimistic and depressed. At this time, the more blindly optimistic the people around him, the more they think they can’t communicate. You might as well act as a listener and listen to what your daughter wants to express. I guess she chose to communicate by letter, so that she would not be interrupted when she expressed her views. People who are introverts are less active in the eyes of extroverts. But this state is not useless, and there is no need to overemphasize the meaning of happiness. A person with a pessimistic personality can perceive potential risks that the average person does not perceive. On the contrary, it is more suitable to make decisions and respect her ideas.

7 months ago

The process of writing is healing. She is able to express her mental journey clearly and completely, which is indeed much better. Depression, anxiety, or pain are all her own emotions. She must work hard to live with her own emotions. She hopes to be able to tide over the difficulties on her own, so she should respect her choice. Maybe she will still experience loss and pain, but I believe that with this experience, she will know how to make herself a little better. This is her life issue, and it may also be an important harvest in her growth process. Now she has learned to accept herself, she has also learned to maintain her own thoughts hard, and she has learned to lose her temper to release stress and dissatisfaction… This is all her growth, and she has done very well.

7 months ago

Is there really a big problem with the understanding of some parents? Child: “I am really in pain, why no one tells me that you are suffering!” Parent: “How do you react so much, why are you unhappy, you are strong! We will help you” Child: “I don’t need to You help, as long as you understand me, can you just tell me that you are suffering?” Parent: “You kid, why are you so extreme. I just can’t think about it. Believe that everything will get better.” Child: “Please, please. You, just understand me this time, tell me something about your suffering, okay?” Parent: “Why are you still like this? How can you get better! You are so uncomfortable for everyone” Child: “(Roaring) Can you I can’t just say that you are suffering!” Parent: “(Roaring) Can you be stronger!” Child: “! (Crash, severe depression)” Parent: “? Have seen too much. . In fact, saving the child is very simple. . Follow her thoughts, follow her words first, and try to communicate in depth when she is in a good mood. First understand, then make sense. However many parents. . I just ignore the child’s hoarse cry. I will not listen or listen to whatever you say. I just want to reason with you wishful thinking. You just don’t make sense, you just want to listen to me. As a result, the two sides roared for a long time without any communication, and finally the children refused to communicate, and the parents were at a loss. In fact, all parents need to do is to shut up and listen carefully. Try to accept the feelings of the depressed person and try to cater to her thoughts. Acknowledge her feelings first, then help her out of confusion. Sometimes I saw the parents just say “Yes, you are suffering. I know you are uncomfortable, it is not easy.” The child burst into tears immediately. Then hug your parents and tell them that this is enough. People who have been depressed for a long time have really low expectations of others. As long as you recognize her, she will open her heart.

7 months ago

Read this letter carefully. The first feeling is that the contradictory contrast between parents and daughters is still very sharp. From the parents’ point of view, the child has always been a good girl with good grades and obedient, and suddenly it seems like a different person, no longer knowing each other. And the relationship with her daughter generally only stays in good grades and obedient. Almost all parents are the same, and they like good grades and obedient girls. But in fact it is really difficult to get into their hearts, this is the case with this daughter. She was unable to live like normal because of severe depression. But her parents still use normal human thinking to ask her to be happy. In her opinion, all this is extremely empty and impractical. There is a sentence in her letter that says so. How can a person and a cat understand each other? This must be a bit inappropriate. But this is indeed the case. This sentence is probably enough to sum up how difficult it is to understand her pain this time. Humans and cats are metaphors between parents and themselves. Humans cannot understand cats, and cats can hardly understand humans. Because we haven’t experienced it, so many times, we can’t really empathize with each other. In addition to being incomprehensible by others, the most mentioned in my heart is the negative attitude towards life, such as the words “dull”, “hopeless”, and “dark”. But as a way of expression, words do not require excessive interpretation. Since it is severe depression, it is recommended to seek help from a professional psychologist.

7 months ago

Fortunately, while being parents, we are also alone, so the limitations of being a person will also show up in our parents. For example, each of us will live in our own experience for the first time, so we will ignore what is happening around us, even what is happening to our dear child, which makes us seem numb. The weakness and frustration expressed by your child is directly related to the parental numbness. Of course, judging from your description, you are not unintentionally, but self-selection becomes numb. It is concentrated in a wrong mainstream view. “Should I mention her pain again?” When she is experiencing the good at this moment, take the initiative The experience of awakening her pain and taking it away from this moment is hurting her; but she is experiencing a lot of pain at this moment. We pretend not to see it and let her struggle in pain. This is not supporting the child, it is hurting the child. If you can’t understand the above sentence, try to replace the subject with yourself: when you are struggling and painful, your lover clearly sees you by your side, but he pretends that nothing happened, and is even full of innocence. The smile said to you “Come on dear, smile and give you a bite of a delicious cake”, how do you feel at this moment? Are you really happy, or do you feel that the person in front of you is heartless and thinks that you are inhumane? Ignoring the pain of a lover is never support, although we always mistake it for support. You love children, but love is not presented in simple language. The proper language of love includes understanding, attention, support, and doing what you can for the other party, but all of this is based on action rather than Above the language. You ask yourself what you should do, try to understand the child’s feelings of powerlessness and despair, understand that the child’s attention is thinking all the time, understand that she can’t experience the joy of life at all, understand that she is struggling I want to get out of the predicament, but there is nowhere to go. When you really understand, you don’t need others to teach you, you will know how to do it. In fact, the child is already teaching you, but you are trapped in your own experience and cannot understand what she is talking about. Try to make yourself alive instead of continuing to live in your own story. “Now I don’t care about these, whether the grades are good or not, as long as she is normally happy…” When you keep paying attention to what you want, always Can’t understand the child. good luck!

7 months ago

Your daughter didn’t mean to blame you. She is just trying to make you understand her. Judging from your statement and the content of your daughter’s letter, your parent-child relationship should be different from what many people think you must always preach, control, and force your daughter. Your daughter and you should be relatively close, and you should be a good mother in her eyes. And the reason why your daughter gets depression is because there is too little emotional communication between you and your daughter. If my reasoning is correct, you should be a conscientious mother, but you rarely communicate with your daughter about her psychological distress and dissatisfaction. Maybe many times, she wanted to talk to you, but in the end she ended up with your incomprehension. In your concept, the most important thing is for children to eat well, wear well, study well, and live a carefree life. You can’t understand her inner emotional needs, and you don’t think it is necessary to understand. As a result, as she grows up, she will increasingly feel that she is lonely, and even the closest person can’t express her heart. She will begin to feel that she is redundant, unable to integrate into the group, and unable to find the value of her existence to anyone. Then gradually fell into depression. After depression, although your attitude is actively supportive treatment, depressed people tend to be more sensitive and full of emotions. In other words, they will have more emotional needs-they need to talk more, and they need more comfort. But every time she turns to you, your response should only treat her depression as a symptom, and never try to understand her inner pain and suffering. This made her very annoyed, so she wrote such a large letter that explained to you where the pain in her heart came from. But obviously, the result still did not achieve what she wanted. You are wondering if she is comforting or blaming yourself without really understanding the meaning between the lines. In your opinion, the superficial meaning of her words must be incomprehensible-what does it mean to be delicious but not satisfying? What does it mean to see the peel but not the sweetness? Why can’t you breathe on the shore? ……This is where the problem lies. If you can, please try to stand in her perspective to understand the “reasonability” of everything she tells you, instead of pointing out her painful “irrationality” from your own perspective. For example: when she says “Mom, I’m so tired”, please don’t ask yourself from your own perspective, “How tired?” “Where are you tired?” “Will you feel tired just after reading a book?” Instead, I tried to stand from her point of view, trying to understand: “You feel tired because you can’t enter the book?” “Are you tired because you feel lonely?”… She wants you to hear her inner voice . Usually, people’s communication is divided into four levels: greeting, saying things, talking about emotions, and talking about needs. When she talks to you, she is at least waiting for you on the third level. She expects you to also enter the third or even the fourth floor. Instead of staying at the second level as you always did before, just analyzing things and sorting out the logic… It’s really not good, even if you hug her and say: Mom can’t understand your inner suffering, but mom I really hope that it can replace your pain, so that you can also feel the sweetness of apples, the satisfaction of a full meal, and the feeling of smooth breathing…

7 months ago

1. There is a deity named Badr in Norse mythology, and his mother is Queen Freya. Badr is the god of light and joy, and Freya’s favorite child. One day, Badr had a nightmare, dreaming of his own death. Freya was terrified when she knew it. In order to protect her son, in the name of the god queen, she asked all the existence of the world to swear an oath to ensure that she would never hurt Badr. But Freya still failed. The mistletoe next to the Hall of Valor was too faint and small in her eyes. Freya thought it was impossible for this little plant to harm her son, so she did not ask mistletoe to take an oath. As a result, under the jealousy of Loki, the god of tricks, he got the secret of mistletoe. Finally, the dark god Hoddle used the branches of the mistletoe to throw at Badr, and Badr was pierced to death on the spot. 2. There is a passage in the subject’s daughter’s letter: [I used to have a lot of happiness, but now what I want to say is that my life is too miserable and too long. Suffering is not an adjective, but also a measure. Suffering, happiness has no value] This sentence seems to be able to explain the problem of the subject’s daughter, and even children who are similar to the subject’s daughter. Everyone is discussing why so many children are depressed, and why children are becoming more and more vulnerable. The answer to this question was told by the ancients thousands of years ago. Now everyone’s life is better, and there is more money in their pockets. Basic living security has never been a problem for at least raising one child. There is no lack of starvation and no lack of entertainment. Parents and family members pay attention to the child and give him meticulous care. But when this basic life security is unconditionally and without dead ends, the higher life pursuit becomes an insurmountable abyss. The pressure of learning, the need of emotion, the confusion and hesitation about the future. These desires that are too far away, or too far away, become the whole content of the child’s self-experience and feeling. But with these things, the help that parents can give is hard to come by. Every child in the city now looks like Badr, like Achilles in ancient Greece. They have a high-quality living environment that is unimaginable by the older generation. The hardships and tribulations of their previous lives have become an unfamiliar concept under the care of their parents and society. These children are smart, early-minded, knowledgeable, and have a broad perspective. But they are deprived of the most important thing in life-the ability to feel and self-heal pain. Children are not groaning without illness, those vain, metaphysical, erosive and unaware that the so-called emotional catharsis is the only gap where they can feel pain. Rebellion and publicity are to fight against the planned smooth life path. Those who seem to be obedient, sensible, and excellent children actually lock up the way they feel pain in the expectations of their families and society. While other children feel satisfied and happy for their efforts to climb the hill, these children have been escorted all the way to the foot of Mount Everest by their parents. Facing this almost insurmountable peak, their parents said: “Come on, Parents have tried their best to send you to the foot of the mountain. The chance to climb Mount Everest is something that those children who can’t get happily over the hill can’t even dream of it. You have to be obedient, cheer, and don’t let us down to you. Hope!” How can such a child not be depressed? 3. For the subject, this letter already tells you the answer. The child’s pain lies in her inability to feel the value of happiness, because she is not only deprived of the qualifications to experience ordinary pain, but also pushed into an insurmountable abyss that is powerless by her parents. Therefore, for the child of the subject, or for similar children, there are only two things that parents should do: 1. Use an equal attitude to listen to the children’s feelings and understand their pain. 2. Help the child feel some [safe] pain. For example, go climbing a mountain with your child. Don’t take care of her in the middle, just ensure her most basic safety. Go with the children to plant the land, mow the wheat, and catch a fish to eat. Go on a trip together and let the children make a travel plan. It doesn’t matter if you are immature and not thorough. If you encounter problems during the trip, face and solve them with your child. Don’t take it on your own. Give your child some suggestions and let him make a decision. Just keep the bottom line of safety. Etc., etc. It’s time to put the child in a painful environment. To make the child strong is not that the parents deliberately set up some frustration training and education, but that the child is really exposed to the real life scenes and let him feel the pain in life. And the pleasure after solving the problem. This kind of experience will be of great help to children in the long-term future, because they can use their eyes and limbs to drive dry in such things, and to experience the real life with their hearts. Really understand what it means: the meaning of suffering is to make happiness more valuable.

7 months ago

After reading the content of the letter carefully, she felt very familiar and understood what she wanted to convey. I have written a lot of similar expressions of myself in words. But I didn’t send it out, and didn’t write it to my mother. I closed it up and tore it off after I finished writing. She really wants to communicate and get understanding. She wants you to understand her pain, understand her through the muddy hardships, and want you to hug her and love her for her sensibility and difficulty. She also ideally feels that she put herself in front of you completely, why sometimes you still don’t understand her. She wants in-depth communication and understanding. But there is always a generation gap between parents and children, and they always don’t understand how each other is doing this or that. At that time, I was depressed and wanted my mother’s understanding and love very much. It’s exactly the same as your daughter. But I didn’t trust my mother very much. I thought it was useless, and it was useless to say it. But I have tried to say, but as soon as I notice that it is not at a frequency, I will shrink back. It is really very, very difficult for people who are depressed and closed to express their innermost feelings. The feeling that I can’t say anything is not smooth, unless it is expressed in words. I also feel that my mother is working hard every day, and I shouldn’t trouble her. The most important thing in the end is that she doesn’t understand anyway, she doesn’t want to understand, she will only “teach” me, and it’s useless to say it. Because I didn’t talk about it, and because of the serious suicidal tendency at the time, she looked at me nervously. Even when he went to the toilet, he quietly followed. And my dad said that he saw the youthful vigor of other girls, so he looked at me again and felt sad. Even so, I still couldn’t open my heart to them, and I even felt controlled from time to time. I can’t rely on them from the bottom of my heart. I don’t think I can rely on them. Your daughter is willing to confess herself to you in such detail, indicating that she still trusts you and has expectations of you. Don’t be afraid to talk to her about depression and those painful feelings. She wants to communicate, understand, accept, understand, and love. Listen to her with an equal attitude, don’t educate her as an elder, and don’t be afraid of negative energy so as to desperately instill so-called positive energy into her. Finally, good luck.

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