Recently, in Nantong, Jiangsu, a couple took a teenage child to the police station and asked the police to arrest him. Upon closer inquiry, the police learned that it turned out that the boy was their son. He stole 100 yuan from his parents in order to go to a classmate’s house. With the patient education of the police, the boy realized his mistake and apologized to his parents and returned the remaining 50 yuan. At the same time, the police also educates the two parents that a more reasonable approach should be adopted and the children should not be afraid of the police.
If it is the first time for a child to “steal” money from the family, it is obvious that the parent’s approach has been excessive. According to the experience of the case in the usual consultation and contact, when the parents first discovered that the child was stealing something, they were worried that this behavior would become a bad habit if it was not corrected properly. The so-called “stealing a chicken when I was young will lead others to it when I grow up. The traditional thinking of “a cow”. (Actually, it is a fallacy of thinking.) Usually they will criticize and educate themselves at home, understand it with emotion and reason, or parents who are particularly angry will use physical and mental attacks such as beating and scolding, hoping that the child feels painful. Here to remember. There is not enough background information in the news, but a teenage child is about to enter puberty, and his parents are pulled directly into the police station. Maybe the child is more than this time? Have you ever had a similar act of stealing things before? Or at school? Do not change after repeated teaching? Maybe the parents used all the hard and soft ways at home, but they were useless. Only then did they think of introducing “social authority” to the police? If it is repeatedly taught and not changed, this method can be said that “deterrence is certainly there, but the effect is not as large as we imagined or even has a negative effect. Because this method essentially wants children to take responsibility for their actions and bear the natural consequences. But obviously this behavior is just “intra-family misconduct”, which belongs to the category of family education. Premature or excessive exaggeration of the consequences, intervention in public power, and stealing behavior may subside, but it will give the child the following two experiences: 1. “I break the law.” Yes, I have committed a crime. The police go around me. The police are too scary. “——Producing guilt, shame, and fear and resistance to authority. Shame is the lowest negative energy with the lowest energy value. Many children who choose to self-attack and self-mutilate suicide are destroyed by shame, and it is also us. Try to avoid it when educating children. Because it is “behavior wrong”, not “I am guilty”. It was originally a behavior that could be adjusted and improved. Once sent to the police, it would imply “you are a suspect.” This suggestion is very bad. It rises to the level of personality, and children cannot afford it. Parents should protect their children and don’t let children bear such suggestions. Parents should never say that if they can’t distinguish between them. This It will threaten the child’s sense of self-identity and make the child less self-confident. If something is wrong, you must remember. Children with weak psychological endurance may not be able to eat well and sleep well for several days, and feel guilty. , And even affect other performances such as studying and socializing. 2. “I went to the police station. It was terrible, but it seemed to be the case. The police also educate my parents. “——I was afraid of “social authority”, but found that I could bear it. The police were nothing but that, and even a little irritating. When I went to the police station, the child’s fear would slowly dissipate, and the adrenaline soared and then fell back. The picture does not appear. The police uncle respects the teachings. Their faces feel that my parents are making a fuss, but they also value me very much. What they can say is similar to what my parents said before. This kind of tolerance for “social authority”, Can it still play the “deterrent effect” that my parents want? My parents were just to scare me. If they couldn’t solve the problem, they asked the police. The police didn’t do anything to me, but I knew it was wrong. But I… “parental authority” has also been lowered in the heart of the child. What is even more a pity is why the child steals the money and what his needs are? No one knows. With the IQ of a teenager, he is affirmed this time. Wang Zhan, who knows his parents, is nothing more than that. For children who are very self-conscious and nervous, and have a relatively antagonistic relationship with their parents, they may find this experience more exciting, making their parents more crazy, and making their parents more energy-intensive. By the time of adolescence, some children who have violated school rules and were remembered by the school are more likely to abandon themselves and make bigger mistakes to attract the attention of their parents and embarrass them. But in fact, their self-identity is frustrated and their self-expression is not good. Maybe it is taken. Once in the police station, the behavior of “stealing money from home” will disappear or temporarily cease, but if the psychological needs and motives of the children behind the “stealing behavior” are not seen by the parents, not satisfied, and not properly transformed, then the children will Wouldn’t you go to steal things from other places? Then taking to the police station this time is to treat the symptoms but not the root cause, and it is a headache. Therefore, parents should pay more attention to the motivation behind the child stealing, rather than just the behavior itself. Common The reasons behind several motives and behaviors: 1. Mental development is in the “self-centered” stage. It is mostly seen in preschool and kindergarten children. They often think that the world revolves around him, and some children can’t distinguish “your”. “Mine” and “his”, so as long as he likes it, he will naturally take the things he likes as his own. The younger the age, the more common this phenomenon. The awareness of property rights is unclear. Parents should lead by example and stay at home. Divide you and me. For example: “That’s Dad’s drawer, you can’t take it without permission”; “This is mom’s bag, you can’t just turn it around”, lay a good foundation since childhood. Don’t disregard you and me at home, children Toys and books should be cleaned and thrown away, and children should be greeted. Sharing things should be done step by step, without being forced or replaced. I have written a series of answers to children’s sharing, which can be found in my collection house as needed. 2. Material desires A surge in vanity, uncontrollable impulse. It is more common in elementary school children. I have come across a few cases, all of which are the beginning of stealing money from home in the lower grades of elementary school, or stealing other children’s beautiful erasers and issuing cards at school. Children around the age of seven or eight will have more material desires. They begin to have their own tastes, their own preferences for objects, and begin to enter social comparisons, that is, they will be able to compare, they can get everything they want, and they have self-esteem. Also strong , They don’t lack anything materially since they are young, and they are satisfied in time, so when they see that other people’s things are very good and beautiful, they naturally think “Why can’t I have it?” Coupled with the child’s lack of self-control, this need for “want to own” has prompted him to have the motivation and behavior of “taking”. Children hope to keep getting things that can meet their own needs. In their eyes, the world There is no reason why they shouldn’t have it, no matter who they need it belongs to. This kind of thing requires parents to help their children improve from the level of self-control and delayed gratification. Tell them clearly that it’s not that you can’t take it, you want Yes, you can like it, you can have a desire, but you can’t take it casually, this is absolutely not allowed. And make an apology and make up, bear the consequences. It can be said that this behavior seems to be “steal” by outsiders, but do not emphasize the word. Instead, tell the child, “I don’t want others to misunderstand you. You just like it and you don’t control yourself. You know you shouldn’t just take it away. “Express trust in children, focus on self-control, don’t label “thief”, encourage children to control their behavior, transform into, express “this thing is really good, I want it too”, go home and discuss with parents , Tell your parents about this need. Make a planned shopping list, delay gratification, don’t give everything you want to buy, according to behavior habits, academic completion, and housework can be satisfied, use token law and other reasonable methods, and pay attention to expression, Because where you have done well, have progressive behaviors, affirm the children’s efforts, gifts are only incidentally given. 3. In order to seek attention, seek love, and find a sense of self-identity. Children’s “steal” behavior represents a child to some extent. A feeling and need in the inner spiritual world, such as the desire to get rid of existential anxiety, satisfying self-identity, etc. Lane believes that “stealing” is a means for an individual to obtain material needs and an important source of individual feelings of abundance. 1) In consultation, one of the more common ones is the eldest of a second-child family. Because of the busy parents and less company, he will focus on his younger brother or sister, lack of care and love, and feel like being “pushed off the throne”. This is “existence”. Anxiety is a type of “anxiety”, that is, the child can no longer feel his place at home, the original feeling of being at the center of the home disappears, and his own existence is threatened. In some cases I have contacted, the old conference stole things home from school , Of course, combined with the second motive, self-control is limited. But when my mother and I discussed this level, my mother realized that she really cared less about the boss and the position of the boss was marginalized. Parent-child companionship and special Taking care of time, combining the two specific methods 1 and 2 above, understanding money, restraining shopping, and after appropriate satisfaction, the act of stealing disappears. Children need the care of their parents and need to feel their own existence. 2) Second This is a relatively common behavior of stealing money. In psychological counseling, it is common to see children from divorced families and reorganizing families. Especially for example, after a mother takes a son and reorganizes the family, he has a new child with his stepfather. This boss will also ” “Can’t find myself”, I feel the lack of emotion, on the one hand, lack of true paternal love, on the other hand, I am not sure of my role in the new home, and I feel like being robbed of my mother by others. From the perspective of family system therapy, Children don’t know consciously, but they will be very anxious. According to the psychoanalytic school’s explanation: Stealing money is a manifestation of “stealing love.” I hope to get back the love that belongs to him. In short, according to different needs. Motivation requires further understanding before we can know how to deal with it. Clinically, there is also a kind of behavioral disorder in children such as “theft addiction.” This is another way to say. It is a continuous and repeated behavior disorder that cannot be suppressed when it is known to be wrong, accompanied by academic difficulties and social withdrawal. Other social maladjustments. Consultation is needed to understand the parenting status, parent-child relationship, family system, the relationship between the school and teachers and classmates, and a series of factors. Combine cognitive behavioral therapy, family system therapy, art therapy and other children’s psychological intervention mechanisms . This kind of thing shouldn’t go to the police station, but go to an experienced child psychologist for help.