Recently, in Nantong, Jiangsu, a couple took a teenage child to the police station and asked the police to arrest him. Upon closer inquiry, the police learned that it turned out that the boy was their son. He stole 100 yuan from his parents in order to go to a classmate’s house. With the patient education of the police, the boy realized his mistake and apologized to his parents and returned the remaining 50 yuan. At the same time, the police also educates the two parents that a more reasonable approach should be adopted and the children should not be afraid of the police.

If it is the first time for a child to “steal” money from the family, it is obvious that the parent’s approach has been excessive. According to the experience of the case in the usual consultation and contact, when the parents first discovered that the child was stealing something, they were worried that this behavior would become a bad habit if it was not corrected properly. The so-called “stealing a chicken when I was young will lead others to it when I grow up. The traditional thinking of “a cow”. (Actually, it is a fallacy of thinking.) Usually they will criticize and educate themselves at home, understand it with emotion and reason, or parents who are particularly angry will use physical and mental attacks such as beating and scolding, hoping that the child feels painful. Here to remember. There is not enough background information in the news, but a teenage child is about to enter puberty, and his parents are pulled directly into the police station. Maybe the child is more than this time? Have you ever had a similar act of stealing things before? Or at school? Do not change after repeated teaching? Maybe the parents used all the hard and soft ways at home, but they were useless. Only then did they think of introducing “social authority” to the police? If it is repeatedly taught and not changed, this method can be said that “deterrence is certainly there, but the effect is not as large as we imagined or even has a negative effect. Because this method essentially wants children to take responsibility for their actions and bear the natural consequences. But obviously this behavior is just “intra-family misconduct”, which belongs to the category of family education. Premature or excessive exaggeration of the consequences, intervention in public power, and stealing behavior may subside, but it will give the child the following two experiences: 1. “I break the law.” Yes, I have committed a crime. The police go around me. The police are too scary. “——Producing guilt, shame, and fear and resistance to authority. Shame is the lowest negative energy with the lowest energy value. Many children who choose to self-attack and self-mutilate suicide are destroyed by shame, and it is also us. Try to avoid it when educating children. Because it is “behavior wrong”, not “I am guilty”. It was originally a behavior that could be adjusted and improved. Once sent to the police, it would imply “you are a suspect.” This suggestion is very bad. It rises to the level of personality, and children cannot afford it. Parents should protect their children and don’t let children bear such suggestions. Parents should never say that if they can’t distinguish between them. This It will threaten the child’s sense of self-identity and make the child less self-confident. If something is wrong, you must remember. Children with weak psychological endurance may not be able to eat well and sleep well for several days, and feel guilty. , And even affect other performances such as studying and socializing. 2. “I went to the police station. It was terrible, but it seemed to be the case. The police also educate my parents. “——I was afraid of “social authority”, but found that I could bear it. The police were nothing but that, and even a little irritating. When I went to the police station, the child’s fear would slowly dissipate, and the adrenaline soared and then fell back. The picture does not appear. The police uncle respects the teachings. Their faces feel that my parents are making a fuss, but they also value me very much. What they can say is similar to what my parents said before. This kind of tolerance for “social authority”, Can it still play the “deterrent effect” that my parents want? My parents were just to scare me. If they couldn’t solve the problem, they asked the police. The police didn’t do anything to me, but I knew it was wrong. But I… “parental authority” has also been lowered in the heart of the child. What is even more a pity is why the child steals the money and what his needs are? No one knows. With the IQ of a teenager, he is affirmed this time. Wang Zhan, who knows his parents, is nothing more than that. For children who are very self-conscious and nervous, and have a relatively antagonistic relationship with their parents, they may find this experience more exciting, making their parents more crazy, and making their parents more energy-intensive. By the time of adolescence, some children who have violated school rules and were remembered by the school are more likely to abandon themselves and make bigger mistakes to attract the attention of their parents and embarrass them. But in fact, their self-identity is frustrated and their self-expression is not good. Maybe it is taken. Once in the police station, the behavior of “stealing money from home” will disappear or temporarily cease, but if the psychological needs and motives of the children behind the “stealing behavior” are not seen by the parents, not satisfied, and not properly transformed, then the children will Wouldn’t you go to steal things from other places? Then taking to the police station this time is to treat the symptoms but not the root cause, and it is a headache. Therefore, parents should pay more attention to the motivation behind the child stealing, rather than just the behavior itself. Common The reasons behind several motives and behaviors: 1. Mental development is in the “self-centered” stage. It is mostly seen in preschool and kindergarten children. They often think that the world revolves around him, and some children can’t distinguish “your”. “Mine” and “his”, so as long as he likes it, he will naturally take the things he likes as his own. The younger the age, the more common this phenomenon. The awareness of property rights is unclear. Parents should lead by example and stay at home. Divide you and me. For example: “That’s Dad’s drawer, you can’t take it without permission”; “This is mom’s bag, you can’t just turn it around”, lay a good foundation since childhood. Don’t disregard you and me at home, children Toys and books should be cleaned and thrown away, and children should be greeted. Sharing things should be done step by step, without being forced or replaced. I have written a series of answers to children’s sharing, which can be found in my collection house as needed. 2. Material desires A surge in vanity, uncontrollable impulse. It is more common in elementary school children. I have come across a few cases, all of which are the beginning of stealing money from home in the lower grades of elementary school, or stealing other children’s beautiful erasers and issuing cards at school. Children around the age of seven or eight will have more material desires. They begin to have their own tastes, their own preferences for objects, and begin to enter social comparisons, that is, they will be able to compare, they can get everything they want, and they have self-esteem. Also strong , They don’t lack anything materially since they are young, and they are satisfied in time, so when they see that other people’s things are very good and beautiful, they naturally think “Why can’t I have it?” Coupled with the child’s lack of self-control, this need for “want to own” has prompted him to have the motivation and behavior of “taking”. Children hope to keep getting things that can meet their own needs. In their eyes, the world There is no reason why they shouldn’t have it, no matter who they need it belongs to. This kind of thing requires parents to help their children improve from the level of self-control and delayed gratification. Tell them clearly that it’s not that you can’t take it, you want Yes, you can like it, you can have a desire, but you can’t take it casually, this is absolutely not allowed. And make an apology and make up, bear the consequences. It can be said that this behavior seems to be “steal” by outsiders, but do not emphasize the word. Instead, tell the child, “I don’t want others to misunderstand you. You just like it and you don’t control yourself. You know you shouldn’t just take it away. “Express trust in children, focus on self-control, don’t label “thief”, encourage children to control their behavior, transform into, express “this thing is really good, I want it too”, go home and discuss with parents , Tell your parents about this need. Make a planned shopping list, delay gratification, don’t give everything you want to buy, according to behavior habits, academic completion, and housework can be satisfied, use token law and other reasonable methods, and pay attention to expression, Because where you have done well, have progressive behaviors, affirm the children’s efforts, gifts are only incidentally given. 3. In order to seek attention, seek love, and find a sense of self-identity. Children’s “steal” behavior represents a child to some extent. A feeling and need in the inner spiritual world, such as the desire to get rid of existential anxiety, satisfying self-identity, etc. Lane believes that “stealing” is a means for an individual to obtain material needs and an important source of individual feelings of abundance. 1) In consultation, one of the more common ones is the eldest of a second-child family. Because of the busy parents and less company, he will focus on his younger brother or sister, lack of care and love, and feel like being “pushed off the throne”. This is “existence”. Anxiety is a type of “anxiety”, that is, the child can no longer feel his place at home, the original feeling of being at the center of the home disappears, and his own existence is threatened. In some cases I have contacted, the old conference stole things home from school , Of course, combined with the second motive, self-control is limited. But when my mother and I discussed this level, my mother realized that she really cared less about the boss and the position of the boss was marginalized. Parent-child companionship and special Taking care of time, combining the two specific methods 1 and 2 above, understanding money, restraining shopping, and after appropriate satisfaction, the act of stealing disappears. Children need the care of their parents and need to feel their own existence. 2) Second This is a relatively common behavior of stealing money. In psychological counseling, it is common to see children from divorced families and reorganizing families. Especially for example, after a mother takes a son and reorganizes the family, he has a new child with his stepfather. This boss will also ” “Can’t find myself”, I feel the lack of emotion, on the one hand, lack of true paternal love, on the other hand, I am not sure of my role in the new home, and I feel like being robbed of my mother by others. From the perspective of family system therapy, Children don’t know consciously, but they will be very anxious. According to the psychoanalytic school’s explanation: Stealing money is a manifestation of “stealing love.” I hope to get back the love that belongs to him. In short, according to different needs. Motivation requires further understanding before we can know how to deal with it. Clinically, there is also a kind of behavioral disorder in children such as “theft addiction.” This is another way to say. It is a continuous and repeated behavior disorder that cannot be suppressed when it is known to be wrong, accompanied by academic difficulties and social withdrawal. Other social maladjustments. Consultation is needed to understand the parenting status, parent-child relationship, family system, the relationship between the school and teachers and classmates, and a series of factors. Combine cognitive behavioral therapy, family system therapy, art therapy and other children’s psychological intervention mechanisms . This kind of thing shouldn’t go to the police station, but go to an experienced child psychologist for help.


By zhiwo

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6 months ago

I was wrong at first, thinking it was the child who went to the classmate’s home to steal 100 yuan from the classmate’s parents. After reading it again, I found out that it was to go to a classmate’s house and steal 100 yuan from my parents. Let me talk about my personal opinion: I don’t think that underage children stealing money from their own family are actually stealing. Of course, this behavior must be bad and requires education. However, it is normal for children to have various behavioral deviations as they grow up. Even if you steal money, it’s the same. Friends who have studied educational psychology should know that the occasional phenomenon of stealing money and things in children around ten years old is a behavioral problem, not a moral problem. (Not to mention their own parents) Many respondents are discussing whether their parents’ methods are excessive, but they just missed an important question-the premise of the behavior of parents sending their children to the police station is that they have already put their children in their hearts. Stereotyped as “theft”. Think about it for a moment. If it’s my child-I will first reflect on whether the pocket money given to the child is not enough, or just enough for the usual expenses, can’t save a little extra expenses? I feel sad for one thing: “My child would rather steal it, rather than ask me for this money openly.” I will reflect on my usual performance and revealed to my child the following information: “It is not good to go to classmates for fun” or “It is not good to ask classmates to eat”? Because in my opinion, it takes less than 100 expenses to find classmates to play, which is an extremely normal thing. Go to classmates on Sunday, write homework, play ball, buy milk tea, sit at KFC, and ask classmates to eat fried skewers. This is not a sinful thing in the daily life of elementary and middle school students, or worthy of shame. . Then why, my child even went to find classmates to play, this kind of normal interpersonal communication, normal necessary expenses, dare, unwilling, refused to talk to me as a mother? I’m not saying that this kid did the right thing. If it is my child, I will educate him and tell him where his behavior is wrong and what consequences it may bring. At the same time, I will tell him the above inner activities and will solemnly tell him. Tell him: “You’d rather steal money than ask me directly. This shows that I must also have a bad job. Although my mother has educated you, she also reflected on herself. Mom thought of you secretly taking money. , I feel very distressed, and I feel very sorry.” From this incident, I thought that many parents actually have the habit of subconsciously stamping their children’s behavior. Once when my son was two and a half years old, my mother and I took him to climb a mountain together. Although it is a mountain climbing, it is actually a hill in the forest park that has been developed with a winding road. You can walk up the road. It takes 40 minutes to climb to the top at a normal pace. But after all, my son was only two and a half years old, halfway down the slope, and began to grunt reluctantly: “I don’t want to go anymore, I want to go down the mountain.” I said, “We are going down the mountain now, and we can’t get home directly. We still have to walk a long time to get down the mountain. If you’re tired, we can rest here for a while, and wait for you to rest, and then you can decide whether to continue. Climb, or go back.” My mother said, “Take a break and then climb again. Don’t give up halfway, little man, have the spirit of enduring hardship!” My son said, “No, I have to go home.” My mother said, “Look at you. Child, why is it so young that you just give up doing things halfway?” I opened a bottle of yogurt for my son to drink, and then pulled my mother aside and said, “You think you can explain clearly to a two and a half year old kid what is Is it hard to endure hardship? Let’s not talk about the meaning of hardship itself. At least for a two-and-a-half-year-old child, can you exercise his will by letting him deliberately endure hardship?” “Also, don’t give him a buckle. Isn’t a hat halfway good? Be careful when you say this. When he remembers it, he really thinks that he is a halfway person who did things halfway, because when he was a child, his elders said that. Is it good for him?” The subject of this issue. The act of sending a child to the police station can make the child most aware of his mistakes, and with a high probability that he will not dare to do it again in the future. However, at the same time, he will mark himself as a “thief” in his heart. He also knows that the society’s evaluation of thieves is that they are crossing the street, and everyone shouts and beats them. He knew that he had done something dishonorable, and he had no face to meet people, and even his closest parents would not want him anymore. He will deny himself because of this incident, and in his future life, whenever he has an idea that is slightly contrary to universal values ​​and makes a decision that is slightly contrary to universal values, he will strengthen it in his heart. The negative perception of oneself constantly denies himself. Everyone has different educational concepts and different educational methods. I have no intention to deny the parents in the news. I don’t think it can be said that the parents’ actions in the news are wrong and have no merit-but it must be reported, worthy of being promoted, and imitated? Does it have to be the most suitable?

6 months ago

It’s too much. It’s just too much. It’s just to vent the parents’ emotions, but it’s just to vent their parents’ emotions. Fighting and reluctant to fight may not work, so I want to ask the police to help them “punish” the children. Establish an object of fear in his heart, so that he dare not commit another crime. A 10-year-old child has basic social needs. He wants to see his classmates. What is the reason? Why is it necessary to buy gifts or travel expenses? Are the reasons for the parents’ rejections reasonable? Do they respect the basic needs of the children? You think he “stealed it”, I just feel that he didn’t dare to resist explicitly, but he didn’t agree with your decision, so he took the money without authorization. So embarrassed and angry, his parents called the police and wanted the police to educate him. To be honest, children have undecided three views, social order and legal concepts are not strong, and it is very common to make mistakes occasionally. Just like everyone here, don’t you have similar experiences? These are the life experiences that parents need to teach them. Are the parents angry because he stole 100 yuan, or because the child defies their decision? What you want is a child who is afraid of some people and does not do bad things because of “dare”, or a child who has correct values ​​and does not do bad things because of the “can’t” in his heart. This is worth thinking about carefully.

6 months ago

Deterrence is definitely there. Parents can understand that the original intention of the parents to go to the police station is to let their children know that they can’t do something stealing, and there is also a kind of hatred for iron and steel. Since you dare to steal things, then I will use the punishment of people who steal things in society to deal with you, and see if you dare to do it in the future! Does this really work? The child may have the following psychological reactions: After all, it is the police station, it feels very serious, and realizes that stealing is not something to do. (Scared) I felt like I was educated by the police uncle when I went to the police station, and I was scolded at no cost. (Luckily) It’s only 100 yuan. As for going to the police station with fanfare? It’s shameful to be laughed at by my classmates! (Angry) In the second case, the child will feel “it’s okay?!” In the third case, the child will have a strong rebellious mentality. The occurrence of the above two situations will have a negative impact. Many times, parents will use punishment to educate their children, and punishment is controlled by exerting psychological or physical pain. Whether it is physical punishment or psychological punishment, it will make people feel uneasy, fearful and psychologically imbalanced. . Under this pressure, children will try their best to avoid physical or psychological pain, and it is impossible to truly understand and feel the intentions of parents’ education, let alone learn. The result of punishment does make the child stop the bad behavior and tell the child what not to do, but it does not play a role in teaching the child what to do. Then can we not educate children about their wrong behaviors? Discipline (teach and nurture) children, rather than punish them. Take the subject matter: parents find that their children have stolen 100 yuan, first calm their emotions, and make sure that they are in a state where they can control their emotions to talk and communicate with their children. (Serious but not extreme) “I found out that you stole 100 yuan from Mom and Dad, and then you took the money to your classmates’ house.”-Tell the child the facts, let the child know the fact that Mom and Dad are happening right away Talk to him. “Is it all used up? What are you doing with the money?”-Understand the current level of things, where the money is going, and the remaining amount. “If you really need this 100 yuan, why don’t you just ask Mom and Dad for it?”-Asking questions and digging out the real reason for the child’s behavior, is it afraid that Mom and Dad won’t give it or are they worried that Mom and Dad will blame it? Only in this way can we truly understand the true motivation of the child’s behavior. “You can directly tell mom and dad the reason for the need for money. We will not reject you for everything, but not everything will promise you. Mom and Dad will decide whether to give you or not according to your actual needs, or How much is it for you.”-Tell your children how to solve problems and needs, and encourage children to have needs and problems. Don’t be afraid of being rejected by their parents. You can communicate. “It’s wrong to take away other people’s things without their consent, even if it’s mom and dad’s things. Mom and dad’s money is hard-earned. If someone else steals mom’s and dad’s money, will we be very sad? Stealing things must never be done. You don’t want others to steal your things, do you?”-Clear the bottom line, tell your child that his stealing behavior will cause harm to others, and let the child think if others use the same How would he feel about him in the same way. “In this case, we should have a good discussion about your pocket money. I suggest that you should learn to manage your pocket money, how to save money, and how to earn extra pocket money, so that when you need money, Nothing like today will happen.”-Help the child analyze the actual problem in this matter about how to spend money. “You can save half of your pocket money every week. You can also do some housework for mom and dad to earn your pocket money. Do you think there is any good way?”-Discuss with your child, Let the children participate independently, agree on the amount of pocket money, the rules for using the money, how to make money, etc. (parents grasp the general direction and agree on the bottom line), so that the child is guaranteed for future needs. “I want to hear, how should you deal with today’s affairs?”-Let the children trigger their own thinking and guide them to take responsibility for their own mistakes. Guidance point: apologize to your parents for what you did wrong. Return the remaining money. Use your own money (pocket money or earn pocket money) to make up for your parents. “I accept your apology, but you can’t do this kind of thing again in the future. It doesn’t matter if you do something wrong. The important thing is what we learn from the wrong thing and what we can improve.”-Encourage the child to do something wrong and bravely apologize and make up Do the right thing and tell the child to learn from their mistakes. Besides, although 100 yuan is not a large amount, the dike of a thousand miles is collapsed in an ant nest, and parents should take it seriously. Those who are faithful in the smallest things are also loyal to the great things; those who are unrighteous in the smallest things are also unrighteous in the great things. Finally, discipline is neither authoritarian nor laissez-faire. It is cultivated with heart and taught with love-a good education method requires our parents to study and grow hard. mutual encouragement.

6 months ago

I feel that since similar news papers came out, there has been more and more news about parents taking their children to the police station. To say whether the parent’s approach is correct, it is necessary to return to the news that the parent brought the kid who stole the money to the police station to report the crime. Do you want to use the majestic atmosphere of the police station and the self-assertive police to scare your children; or do you really intend to send your children in? Or do you really want to send your children in? Or do you really want to ask the police for help because the parents are unable to educate them? After some previous news, I plan to follow suit; or I think that kid stealing money is a big deal, and the police must explain it to him; this is very important. Every time similar news appears, there will be a lot of discussions that accompany it. Everyone’s ideas are nothing more than whether they agree or disagree, they are all about whether it has a positive effect on the growth of the child. If the child is taken and slipped to the police station for education, but only feels ashamed and has to be more concealed in the future, then this is a fierce operation, and there is no effect in the end. To say that children steal money from mom and dad is actually most of the childhood memories. I remember when I was in elementary school, it was all 20 years ago. One morning when the last get out of class was about to end, the head teacher said: Recently, several communities have opened new stalls (a stall selling snacks and toys). , I think some students in our class bought it, but I learned that some students don’t use pocket money and new year’s money given by their parents. Who of you stole your parents’ money and came to me after school for a while. Just this noon After the time, there will be no chance. It seems reasonable, but at our school, the teacher would beat students, and the attack was very heavy, so everyone was afraid of the teacher, and we even called it the King of Fighters privately. At that time, the King of Fighters game was very popular. This caused most of the classmates to stay and “surrender” when school was over at noon that day. At that time we had to line up at the door of the class after school, and we all walked out of the school together, and then went back to each house. The original line for school was reduced by half, and all the few people lined up at the podium with expressions of nervousness. They told the teacher how much money they bought with their parents on a given day. The head teacher did not scold anyone, but After everyone finished speaking, they nodded and let go. Seeing the gentler reaction of the class teacher, many students in the line after school were encouraged to pluck up the courage to confess to the “surrender” line. Including me. Our family opened a restaurant at the time, and the business was pretty good. My mother always put the money everywhere. Often when my cousin and my cousin ran around the house, I would pick up a piece and fifty cents from under the bed, under the quilt, or behind the table. If it’s five yuan, we’ll take the money to buy things at a small stall, and we will not turn it in. Although my family is not a rich and expensive family, it is really full of money in the corners of the house. That day, I stood in the line to reflect on whether this was considered a steal. After thinking about it, I decided to go to the teacher to confess, and then I was also in the “surrender” line. When it was my turn to finish speaking, the head teacher also nodded and let go. Although I had never felt “stealing” for my actions before, but after talking to the teacher like this, I really felt a bit mysterious in my heart. After coming back, a classmate Z who usually seldom talks in the line after school asked me: Did you steal money? At noon that day, three or two classmates were left behind, and what shocked me was that during the afternoon class meeting, that classmate Z was criticized by the teacher for stealing money from his parents to buy a picture and he didn’t regret it, and was given a chance not to. Later, other classes also conducted similar surprise investigations. It is said that parents and teachers reported that their children stole money from the family. After writing so much, I don’t want to share different ways to deal with it, but I want to say that the behavior of children secretly taking money from parents is not unique to a few people. Don’t start to be pessimistic just because the child takes the money from the family. He has already ordered a prison meal. So when I saw the news in this question, I was still confused why this kid got such a big ticket of 100 yuan, and what he wanted to buy. I know that the times are different now. The meaning of money may not be the same as when we were young. Maybe when we were young, we took one and two yuan to get a big ticket. Ten yuan is a guilty conscience. Now adults are feeling that the money is getting more and more. I can’t help but spend it. I often see children stealing hard money from their parents to give the anchor a big reward. Maybe online payment is weakening everyone’s original feeling of cherishing “money.” It is definitely wrong to steal things, there is no doubt about it, but over-education should also be guarded against. I am a mother now. My tomato is going to be four years old this year. I remember that when he was very young, he was always excited to raise his hands and pat me and my cat, every time he weighed his hands. I hurried to correct him, for fear that he would treat others like this when he went out, and sometimes muttered in my heart: This is so stingy, can he grow up? But in fact, this is a very small and very small stage in his growth process. If the parents pay attention to it a little bit, this matter is over. Therefore, for children who secretly take their parents’ money, I also prefer their parents to solve them, ask him why he wants to do this, and formulate a solution based on his answers and actions, and see if the parents can solve it first. When they came up, they slipped to the police station. The children are immature. They may not be able to understand the painstaking effort of their parents. They may even hate their parents for embarrassing themselves because of their shyness. Instead, they lose the opportunity to reflect on the fact that they are taking money secretly. I’ve seen a passage from Teacher Luo Xiang before, and I think it’s very suitable to apply to parent education: I really appreciate the passage of French Justice Holmes. What does he say? He said that the life of law is experience rather than logic. As a legal person, we must learn logical derivation, but we should not restrict our common sense by logical derivation. We also need to have our common sense in addition to logic. As a common person, the life of law is experience, not logic. . Parents have a bottom line and guidelines for their education and life. Children’s stealing behavior is undoubtedly wrong. In addition to following the basic principles in the education process, parents must also have a sense of commonality. This common sense is not. Said to cover up mistakes for the child, or turn a blind eye, but before handling it, consider whether the chosen method is suitable for the child as much as possible, rather than just follow the news circulating on the Internet.

6 months ago

This kind of thing has happened many times. This is the result of everyone imitating each other. In fact, it does not serve as a punishment. Instead, it makes children afraid of the police. When they encounter things that need to be asked for help, they dare not ask for help, and the gains outweigh the gains. At noon on April 25, 2020, when Du Cheng, a policeman in Jinhua City, Zhejiang Province, was handling a traffic accident, a passing van stopped. The driver stretched his head and pointed to the child in the back seat, and shouted at the policeman: “If the child is not well-behaved, do you want to take it away…” Du Cheng raised his voice and replied on the spot. “If you lie to the child like this, it is your problem… When the child is in danger, he will not dare to ask for help. The police…” Netizens also praised the police: If the child takes it seriously, he will be afraid of the police. If he encounters real danger in the future, he will not go to the police. The security risks are very serious. Frightening children is not a magic weapon to make children behaved. Negatively affects older parents. When they reflect on their parents, they will be anxious to get angry when facing children’s misbehavior. When there is nothing to do, try to introduce a person with “identity” and use their professional identity to make The child is scared. In fact, this is a manifestation of parents’ distrust of themselves, and they feel powerless. When children receive these threats, they will temporarily become behaved, but at the same time they develop psychological defenses. In “The Original “Type” Revealed: Analysis Skills of Personality Types”, it is believed that fear is a defense against anger, anger cannot solve the problem, so it is automatically suppressed by the brain with fear, which is essentially a deeper motivation. The child is actually frightened by his parents, but because he is not strong enough to resist, he can only turn his anger into fear. A child trusts his parents, and his parents are his heaven and earth. If his parents say that the police will take him away, he will believe it. When he is not well-behaved, what appears in his mind is the image of the police coming to catch him. When he saw the police, he would also think that the police wanted to take him away. This is the negative anchor that parents planted in their children. Many similar incidents have occurred in reality: On March 9, 2019, an 11-year-old child surnamed Zhao went to the police station to “surrender” with a schoolbag game card. It turned out that the child liked playing cards very much, and his mother was worried about the impact on learning. Frighten him and the police will take him away. On August 7, 2018, Ms. Han in Ningbo found a missing girl and called the police for help. When the girl saw the police, she cried more than “police uncle don’t catch me”. Later I learned that the child’s parents often frightened her like this. On April 17, 2016, an 8-year-old girl lost her way and ran away when she saw the policeman. She resolutely refused to accept the help of the police. It turned out that her grandmother often used to frighten the child. Similarly, many children are afraid to go to the hospital and school, because parents often use doctors and teachers to scare their children. Seeing these terrible realities, parents who often scare their children like this, let’s stop! To make children obedient, we must find out the reasons why children are not behaved. “100 Questions about Family Education for Toddlers” mentioned that from the perspective of children’s psychological development characteristics, it is an inevitable process from obedient to disobedient. Every child will have a period of disobedience, and we have all experienced it. We can find the real reason why the child is disobedient by thinking about the past, trying to understand the child. (1) Children’s growth is inevitable. We often say that “obedient children are not promising”, which actually means that children have grown up and have their own thoughts. In the first year of life, the child is in a disadvantaged position in terms of language, actions, and thoughts. He can only survive by relying on the help of his parents. The instinct of survival allows him to obey his parents in everything. The terrible two-year-old, the terrible three-year-old, the unbearable four-year-old, the seven or eight-year-old that dogs hate it, and the rebellious adolescence. These evaluations are all familiar to us. The reason why children have these disobedient behaviors is because children have increased independence, rich experience and experience, and knowledge reserves to a higher level. They have their own thoughts and judgments, have the ability to say no to their parents, and have some behaviors that are inconsistent with their parents, making their parents feel that he is disobedient. There was a child named Xiaowen. After entering junior high school, he changed from a well-behaved child to a disobedient child. The head teacher asked him why. Xiaowen replied: “I am 14 years old. If I listen to my parents, I will be laughed at by my classmates. Small children.” (2) Parental Educational Issues “Psychology of Children in Sensitive Periods” mentioned that parents often become wrong role models. We ask our children to be obedient, but we are not obedient. All day long clamoring to let the children eat by themselves, and when the children eat by themselves, they hurried to feed them in a hurry. Let the child clean up the room by himself. When the child hadn’t taken any action, we eagerly helped the child clean up. Let the child do exercises, watch the child’s homework late, and said distressedly that he will exercise again tomorrow. Let the child watch TV for 10 minutes. The child says that he hasn’t watched enough, and when he is in a good mood, he starts to indulge. In fact, these are not caused by the children themselves, but caused by the parents themselves speaking out of words, breaking the rules, and indulging in pampering, but the children are labeled as “disobedient”. If you want your children to be obedient, you must use appropriate methods to figure out the reasons why your children are not behaved. Don’t always stop complaining. Children all over the world are the same, not just our own children. We calm our minds, find a reasonable and appropriate method for the child’s specific situation, and communicate with the child well, so that the child will become an “obedient” child again. 1. Let go of authority and listen to children. Most parents are authoritative parents, unwilling to admit the fact that their children have grown up, and they are unwilling to admit that their children are right. They always assume that their ideas and methods are correct. When a child raises an objection, we cannot accept it, and we think that the child is disobedient. In fact, the truth is sometimes in the hands of children. We should let go of our authority, listen to the true thoughts of children, make reasonable judgments, and dispel our worries. “Children’s Personality Psychology” mentioned: squat down and look at the problem from the height and angle of the child, you will understand the child’s feelings and thoughts, and you will understand why the child resists your orders and demands. I emphasized to my son that he should hand in homework in time, but he would still be disobedient. I changed my daily urging and tried to ask him the reason for the late assignment. The son said that because he didn’t understand in class, he wanted to do a good job. I understand him. Not every child can understand every lesson 100%. It is good to spend more to understand the remaining problems. I told him to ask the teacher if he didn’t understand. I found that my son often consulted the teacher, and that there were fewer and fewer late assignments. 2. Adhere to the principle of “no rules and no squares”. In the process of educating children in peacetime, we must adhere to the principles. We cannot indulge children because they are in a good mood. They will be disciplined strictly because they are in a bad mood, so that they can get consistent Of discipline. The requirements of the child should be agreed in advance, such as the time to wake up, the time to complete the homework, the time for leisure and entertainment, and to complete all matters within a controllable time frame. If it is not possible to explain the reasons, the parents make the correct judgment. The delay caused by playfulness shall be punished, and the punishment shall also be agreed upon. We habitually adhere to principles, and it is easier to form a deterrent to children, so that children dare not easily break the bottom line. 3. Respect children’s behavior. The fairy tale king Zheng Yuanjie said that he has never said aloud to his children, and he has never said “you have to be obedient”. He believes that children should have their own thoughts and cannot blindly listen to their parents. Children now accept more knowledge than we want to imagine. If children are allowed to blindly do things according to our ideas, it will limit their development. Children should be encouraged to have their own unique ideas and give them more room for imagination. However, we must guide children to establish correct behavior standards. My son sometimes argued with the teacher. Once I heard the quarrel, I felt very bad. At that time, I wanted to rush into the room to stop him, but then he pressed his anger. In a very peaceful time, I told him, “It is good to have different opinions, but arguing with the teacher is not ideal. You can find evidence to prove your point of view, and communicate with the teacher in a gentle way.” Son Indicates that there is no more conflict with the teacher. Conclusion: Children’s disobedience is a common and normal phenomenon. If the police, doctors, and teachers are moved out to scare the children, they can only make the children afraid of them, instead of restricting their behavior. We must figure out the reasons why children are disobedient, communicate with them patiently, pay attention to the usual parenting methods, adhere to principles, and respect children. We have an “obedient” child in our hearts.

6 months ago

I still believe that simple and rude punishment is the incompetence of educators. It’s like beating a child is the helplessness of an educator. Neither can be called: educational methods. Because this is not education at all. Society does have social moral standards. However, before handing over the child to social rules for trial, parents have the responsibility and obligation to help the child establish rules and boundaries within the family, and gradually integrate the rules and boundaries passed by the family into the social requirements-otherwise, where can the child be What did you learn? In this incident, when the child made a mistake (stealing something), the parent changed hands and threw the child to the social organization. I think this is the laziness of the parent-perhaps in the family environment, no suitable way of upbringing and punishment can be found. Or too lazy to think about it. In addition, the behavior of the children’s parents also seems to be an irresponsible and emotional waywardness. Throw the child into the police station casually. Here, the police is not a serious, representative of the legal system, but more like a tool used to scare children-is this a thing the police should take care of? Which legal rule stipulates that it is clearly illegal for a child to take 100 yuan from his parents? Does the child know that this is illegal? Is this the basic impression we should establish in our children about the police and the law? In the limited background description, we cannot see a lot of important information: Have parents cultivated the awareness of property rights with their children in the past? Have parents interpreted the meaning of “steal” to their children? Have parents ever told their children that “steal” can be illegal under Chinese law? Have parents emphasized to their children what punishments they will be punished for breaking the law for stealing? How do parents interpret to their children: Is the money of parents counted as family money? Does the family’s money count as children’s money? Is it a steal if you take your parents’ money? If, above, the parents have never discussed with the child, then, did the child make a mistake this time because he knew it was stealing, or did he actually have no idea what his actions meant? I didn’t know where I was wrong, how serious it was, and I was suddenly pulled into the police station. Isn’t the most feared thing in life just uncertainty? The child did not know why he entered the police station this time, nor did he know to what extent he would enter the police station, let alone how his parents put themselves in the police station on a whim—this kind of insecurity Feelings, on the contrary, will undermine children’s self-discipline [rules, boundaries] In our family education, the establishment of rules and boundaries is the biggest responsibility of parents. If you want a child to be a responsible person, you should first let the child understand the rules: where are the boundaries? What are the benefits of maintaining the rules? What are the penalties for violating the rules to varying degrees? After understanding all this, things will be easier. Our parents only need to talk and do it. The child’s behavior is in compliance with the rules, and the promised reward is given, and the violation of the rules is punished according to the agreed. From the very beginning, we have established the principle of honesty and trustworthiness. In this story, the child probably doesn’t know where he is wrong, and the extent of the error. Taking parents’ money and what we generally think of as “theft” does not seem to be completely equal. Children may feel that mom and dad also spend money on themselves, so there is nothing wrong with taking the money from mom and dad. It’s just doing what they might not want to do. Regarding the family’s money, who exactly belongs to it, and taking the family’s money, is it considered stealing? In fact, the boundaries of this matter are blurred. If the rules are not declared, how can we blame others for breaking the rules? I suggest a possible solution: this behavior of the child is actually a warning to the parents, warning us that we have not yet drawn a clear line for the child to steal and use the parents’ money without permission. So what needs to be done is to take this opportunity to make clear norms for the children as soon as possible. Discuss seriously with the child: the ownership of the money, the scope of the money he can use, the meaning of theft, and the punishment for theft. The following is not an example, otherwise, it will be executed in accordance with the agreed punitive measures. In order for children to obtain stable and reliable quality, first of all, our parents need to be open and honest, clearly delineate the boundaries of the rules, and keep information synchronized with the children. We all act in accordance with the rules in a common environment of openness, transparency and integrity. Only children can trust the outside world, and this kind of trust feedback to the inside is the restraint of self-behavior.

6 months ago

It can only be said that such parents have never stepped out of the shadow of power. In their hearts, there is still the fear of being “suppressed” by their parents when they were young. In their minds, power is the best “discipline” method: whether you understand or accept it, ask if you are afraid. The child is afraid that he is not enough, and find a more terrifying person-the police, to strengthen his power. What makes them so unconfident in their love and wisdom? The growth of parents is a long way to go.

6 months ago

In the children’s concept, the things in their own family, including their parents’ money, are shared resources. If the children are considered to be “stealing” with their parents’ money, the children can’t figure out how. As for the child who took the parent’s money and did not tell the parent, it is necessary to ask what is wrong with the daily communication between the parent and the child, causing the child to be unwilling (or not expecting) to say hello to the parent. This reflects that The values ​​of parents and the rules of conduct within the family are chaotic. Suppose that the parents give their children’s toys to other children without their children’s consent. Is that considered stealing? The child is already a teenager. It should not be the first time to take money at home. It may be that the parents have not changed the child after repeated instruction. The parents sent the child to the police station and let the police power to shock the child in an attempt to stop the child’s behavior, reflecting that it is still a parent-child. The dislocation of educational concepts in the relationship. Parents handing over their children to the police is to excuse their own education and let the police educate the children for themselves. Such an approach will not be effective, but will harm the child’s self-esteem and deprive the child. Trust in your parents will also make you feel betrayed by your parents. Money education is also personality education. Parents cannot expect their children to establish a correct view of money. Family affairs, including the use and control of money, are basic training for children to learn to behave and do things, so there is no need to shy away from it.

6 months ago

It can only be said that the three views of parents are positive, but the way of education is somewhat simple and rude, or lazy. I remember that there was a seven-year-old girl who stole toys before, and her mother directly called the police. I think that any independent scene event about a child cannot be evaluated separately from the background of his growth, nor can the problem be solved using simple and crude methods. The child is ten years old, and the ten-year-old child already has a relatively high cognitive ability and behavioral control ability. Want money, and then choose to steal. Has she ever been educated about stealing? Do you know the badness of stealing and the severity of the consequences? If you don’t know, then the previous education must be missing. If it is me, first of all, I can’t just listen to one side. The first step is definitely to go to the scene to find out the truth. If things are as described by others, the second step is to apologize and ask for some time, and take the child aside to ask for communication, ask the reason, and make sense. Your attitude towards your child must also be sincere. Be someone who will always stand with him, so that the child dares to admit his mistakes to you instead of acting like “You are a thief now, I want to force you to admit it.” The third step: Let the children apologize by themselves, return the money, and the parents help compensate for the loss. This part of the cost of compensation for the loss can be deducted from her usual pocket money as a consequence. I think this is the natural consequence of this incident. Rough reporting to the police, done by outsiders, is completely fine. In my opinion, it cannot be said that the child’s parents do it completely wrong, but this kind of education is very lazy. The effect of this may be deterrence, but the child is also more defensive against you, and the parent-child communication channel is also blocked, and there may be greater problems waiting for you in the future.

6 months ago

One. How can it be considered “stealing” with 100 yuan from parents? The family property logically has a share of the child. The parent counts the money as “own” and excludes the child from the ownership of the money. Originally this kind of thinking is wrong. In the family, every member of the family has the right to control the family property. Why is money only listed as a ban on children by parents? The child took a pair of chopsticks from home and gave it to his classmate. Did you say he stole a pair of chopsticks? Parents will list valuable things as their own, and treat their children as someone “outside the family”. Only when someone outside the family takes 100 yuan from your family will you say that he is “stealing”. Two. The child takes money from home. This is a family conflict. When encountering this kind of thing, how to solve the problem properly tests the parents’ ability to solve the problem. Pull the child to the police station and let the police uncle teach it. This way of handling is A terrible way of handling. This subconsciously treating the child as a thief and letting the police uncle educate the child will make the child subconsciously feel that he has made a huge “unforgivable” mistake. He must be punished by the highest level. This Seed parents will treat a little bit of “mistake” as a great mistake, and will make the child not dare to make a little mistake again. Such parents are very demanding of their children, and the child will follow the rules in his life, and will never make any mistakes. Allow yourself to do it. But on the contrary, parents pay too much attention to mistakes. It is conceivable that in daily life, a little bit of sesame mung bean big things will not be tolerated by parents, and they will always want to let their children. Pay an extreme price. Severely punish the child. The parent’s subconscious attention to mistakes will make the child pay too much attention to small mistakes in his life. In fact, it is forcing the child: the center of your life must be placed on the “mistakes”. Attention.” Where your focus is, where will your “achievement” be. In the future, this child will become a “problem expert”. Three. A good way to deal with it: ask the child, it will cost 100 yuan to do it What do you need to use it for. Everyone has needs in life. When children need 100 yuan, normal needs should be supported. If the needs are improper or exceed expectations, you can just talk to your children about the family Rules for using money.

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