Knowing “My Questions and Answers” X One Psychology | Endless pulse of life, endless meaning of life
“Death is not a loss of life, but a step out of time.” We fear “death” and keep it secret, but it does exist just like spring, summer, autumn and winter. For the inevitable aging, what else can we do?
This issue of Zhihu “My Questions and Answers” and One Psychology jointly launched a discussion: Under the lifelong proposition of aging and death, how should we deal with the years?
Some time ago, my grandmother passed away; recently, my grandpa fell and caused intracranial hemorrhage, and has been in the ICU. I am a young man, and I rarely pay attention to this kind of problems before. When people around me face such problems, I just start to think about it. Grandma was in her 90s and passed away naturally. The family sought the help of a doctor, and hoped that at least her grandmother would be less painful before she passed away. But the doctor refused. He said that at this age, just taking the nutrient solution is accelerating aging. On the one hand, we continue to face such parting helplessly, and on the other hand, we are helplessly unwilling to accept it. What I understand about hospice care is companionship. But how to accompany is really a problem. I am eager to understand what grandma was thinking at the last moment, eager to meet all her needs, but there is no way. She can only lie on the bed, unable to move, unable to speak. For a moment, she stopped breathing when I had just returned to Chengdu from her. My mother called and said that grandma was breathing again when she heard my name, and she opened her eyes. When I was in the video with her, she couldn’t talk, she kept looking at me, her dim eyes suddenly changed color at a certain moment. After finishing the conversation, I hurried back to my hometown. I held her hand and my mother said to my grandmother next to me: “Mom, this is your granddaughter, do you remember? Open your eyes and look at your granddaughter.” Grandma held my hand tightly, I don’t know Where did she burst out of strength, but she really held my hand tightly. I don’t know if she felt satisfied at the last moment of her life, without regrets. But when she was cold and closed her eyes, her expression was so peaceful. Grandma is in the countryside and has her own procedures for death, and she can feel at ease if she is in order. But when grandpa was in the city, facing death, his family reacted completely differently. Before the Spring Festival, Grandpa was admitted to the ICU, and repeated inspections and operations. Due to the epidemic, family members can only be with them for a short time after completing the nucleic acid test. Most of the time, they are accompanied by nurses to convey news to family members through video. During the Spring Festival, I was able to go to the hospital to see him when Grandpa checked. While waiting, many elderly people came to the hospital alone. What impressed me most was that an old grandfather came to see the doctor with his old wife on his back. It’s quite rare to be surrounded by more than a dozen people like ours. Grandpa is in his 80s. We tried our best to heal. Now we are conscious, can open our eyes and speak. But what shocked me was the completely different attitudes of my parents. My dad said after being drunk one day, how fragile people are. They were fine yesterday, but not the next day. Of course we can save it. Where’s my mother? One day we two went for a walk, leaving my dad aside. My mother said, if one day, I am like your grandpa, don’t save me. Back to this matter of hospice care. I think it is very necessary for a person to think about death, think about how he wants to leave when he is conscious, and convey it to important people. For my grandmother, she was in the countryside. Every time she came to my house, she was anxious to return to her hometown whenever she had a small problem. She thought she wanted to return to the roots of the fallen leaves. Although the descendants were sad, there was no regret when the grandmother passed away in her hometown after sitting around at the end. At the funeral, everyone didn’t have too much thoughts, and they didn’t think it was all right at the beginning. But grandpa is not like this. My dad’s attitude has always been contradictory. On the one hand, he is no better than the pain and loneliness of his grandfather in the hospital bed. On the other hand, with a sense of guilt, he tried to convince himself that our choice was correct. As a result, sometimes he will unintentionally belittle our attitude towards grandma. He was not an ignorant person. He was the only one who hadn’t slept for a few days at the death of his grandmother and the funeral. And when my mother and I are sad, it has always been our support. It’s just that he looked at his father and was so upset. Perhaps he has asked himself countless times in his heart: Is this choice correct? He tried his best to find a way of hospice care that could be called the right way, but couldn’t find the answer. But it is difficult to find the answer in itself. The only basis is what the person concerned, the person facing death, thinks. Therefore, I would like to say that hospice care, in fact, there is no uniform standard and no regrets. Especially from the countryside to the city, the outlook on death is becoming more and more different. At this time, it is important that, as a person, think about the issue of death in advance.