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You need to build a personal value evaluation system. Cai Kangyong shared a story in an interview: Steven Spielberg (Spielberg), at the age of 27, became a hot director because of the movie “Jaws”. At that time, “Time” magazine used him as the cover and made a compliment to him. When the magazine was delivered to the studio, Spielberg did not take it. The producer was surprised and said: “The whole book is about you, why don’t you read it?” Then Spielberg said, “If I believe what they praise me now, I will believe what they say to me. Attack.” Don’t care too much about what others say about you. No matter what, how you evaluate yourself is the most important thing. People have two evaluation systems, one is a self-evaluation system, and the other is an evaluation system for others. When you are a minor, you will rely more on the evaluation of people around you, because only in this way can you confirm your sense of worth. When you grow up, if you are still paying attention to the evaluation system of others, you will crumble when you do anything. You will be very concerned about any denial of you, and will fall into the negative emotions of guilt, regret, and lack of self-confidence. So in the face of other people’s denials and the lack of our own abilities, how should we establish a personal evaluation system? The book “The Courage to Be Disgusted” introduces a way of thinking called “Separation of Subjects.” What is subject separation? Let us assume the following scenario. “As a newcomer in the workplace, if the boss obviously doesn’t like you, do you want to resign?” You might think, “As long as I don’t have this boss, or change my boss, I will work better.” Or “Don’t quit, I must face difficulties On the other hand, resignation is escape.” The key point of this question is not whether you want to resign, but how do you define and treat your boss’s dislike of you? It is not an objective question, but a subjective question. From the perspective of “problem separation”, you are you, the boss is the boss, and you are two subjects. The boss has the boss’s subject, and you have your subject. Regardless of whether the boss likes you, or if he loses his temper at you, that is something the boss has to consider, not your topic. Even if the boss is unreasonable, it is a problem that the boss should deal with. You do not need to please and compromise, nor do you have to try to “correct” the boss’s view of you. What you have to do is to deal with your own subject first. Then the question arises, how to deal with your own subject? The book “The Disgusted Courage” is already very good, and I will extract three levels from it to share with you the concept of “subject separation” and see which level you can achieve. The first layer: Separation from “your work”. No matter you are studying or working, the articles you write, the works you design, and the plans you plan will all face the scrutiny of others. Some people will affirm and praise your work, but some will give you negative and Negative feedback. I had a colleague before, who just entered the position of product manager. During the process of making a product plan, he did not communicate with the leader in time and adjust the needs. In the end, he was beaten back to redo, and then a lot of negative emotions were generated. The project stalled. Later, after communicating with him, he told me that because he was afraid of being denied by the leader, he might have made a mistake at the beginning, but he didn’t know it. He didn’t know that he was wrong when he finally delivered the plan to the leader. At this time, the more you give, the less you want to admit that it is wrong. Invisibly, you bind your plan closely to yourself. Do you think that if they deny the fruits of your labor, they deny you. If you negate your point of view, you are negated. However, you can avoid this kind of thinking trap. There is a knowledge point in Internet product design called “MVP”. MVP is the minimum viable product. Its core idea is: you have to quickly make a sample, then quickly verify the requirements, verify the business requirements with the boss, and verify the product experience requirements with the users. The function of the product is denied? Then let’s discuss the rationality of the function; the product flow is negated? Then we go to improve the product process; it does not matter if it is denied, because you are you and the product is a product. You have to separate from your product, so that the product will move toward a positive cycle and stand the test of the market and users. Therefore, if you learn to separate from the plan you have worked hard to design, you have to focus on greater goals and greater value. When you are discussing issues with others, if your views are well separated, you will be more focused on problem-solving because you will not feel frustrated. The second layer: separate from the “your identity tag”. In the workplace, many students may be able to achieve the first level of separation, which is to separate from their own works and opinions. But it is difficult to separate one’s own identity tags. What is an identity tag? For example, your education level, family background, external conditions, age, these attributes that you cannot change. And often many people develop inferiority complex because of these hard conditions. But everyone is imperfect, everyone has their own shining points, to pay attention to and discover your value, these values ​​may be in some new dimensions. Here to introduce you to a concept called “Z-axis transformation”. Take poor grades and low academic qualifications as examples. When reading, our eyes are only on the plane of the X and Y axes, and the crowds run forward in the delineated P range. The rules are simple and clear. The so-called better than you or You are weaker than those that are only seen in front of our eyes. After leaving the campus, the rules are no longer simple, and the role of the Z axis is revealed. You will suddenly find that the roads that everyone walks are not on the same plane at all, and the rules of each plane are different. Everyone is not on the same track at all. In the past, low self-esteem because of poor grades no longer exists, and people will gradually become bigger and bigger over time. Many things that I cared about before, I won’t care about it in the future. Some time ago I chatted with the students of the university. I told everyone that what you really want to enhance is your own ability. This ability is compound, such as professional skills, communication skills, self-study ability, etc., avoid focusing only on On the label in front of you. Outside of the ivory tower, where is there so much step-by-step? Everyone has their own different Z-axis, whether it is industry or occupation, some people are just as comfortable as a fish, and some are not used to it. Many people have not released their potential on the previous plane, but on the new plane, they truly begin to realize their value. This is the real world, and you have to learn how to separate topics from your own unalterable labels in the real world. The third layer: Separate “the past you” from the “present you”. Mistakes are inevitable, and masters sometimes miss, but some classmates will have a strong sense of regret and self-blame because they have made a little mistake, and then they will always think in their minds: if you did something more at that time Well, it would be great if you were a little decisive at the time… The past you are not the same as the current you. You were wrong in the past, it doesn’t matter, you are growing up now, just right. There is a famous philosophical question called “The Ship of Theseus.” It describes a ship that can sail for hundreds of years at sea. During the voyage, it needs uninterrupted maintenance and replacement of parts. If one board rots, it will be replaced. After the second board rots and breaks, it is replaced again, and so on, until all the boards and functional parts are replaced. So the question is, since all its functional parts are not those at the beginning, is this ship of Theseus still the ship from the beginning? The same is true for people. People are constantly growing and changing. Time has passed, and your name has not changed, and your memory has not changed. So what is changing? It is your thinking and cognition, your ability tree, and the way you look at the world! Are you the same you were before? In this dynamic change, you have to look forward and reconcile with your past self. The author of “Thinking, Fast and Slow”, Daniel Kahneman, is even more interesting. Not only is he not afraid of making mistakes, he is also happy to discover his own mistakes. He is 80 years old. If you can point out one of his mistakes in person, he will very happy. Summary Sometimes, we all like to compete with ourselves. When you are in a dead end, you have to learn to admit your shortcomings, and then focus on variable things and take responsibility for your future self. There is a saying that I like very much. Life is like a book. Turning to the current page, there are many pages behind. You never know what will follow. So don’t always think about looking forward, just turn back page by page. ——If this answer is useful to you, then we may establish a deeper interactive relationship~ 1. Give this answer a thumbs up (double-tap the screen to try), so that more students can also get some help ; 2. Follow Xiaolu, there are more answers useful to you.


By zhiwo

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8 months ago

Spending a lot of your energy on the evaluation of others will be one of the saddest things in the world. Seeing this question, the first thing for sure is that you are not confident. Every time you finish something, you want to hear some recognition in the other person’s mouth, but if the other person does not act “what you expected,” you will be very concerned about whether you did something wrong. The most common scenario is that during the conversation between two people, he denies your thoughts or actions, and you will be very struggling. “Does he have an opinion on me? Am I too stupid? He will be angry with me.” Is it? “Wait for the disturbed emotional response. The first reaction did not put the focus on yourself, but more concerned about the evaluation and recognition of others. Often this kind of people will be accompanied by the characteristics of “pleasant personality”, such as: 1. Excessive sensitivity and self-blame 2. Elevate others, belittle yourself 3. Don’t dare to make requests, it is difficult to refuse others 4. Lack of boundaries and principles Imagine that your source of happiness establishes the evaluation of you by others, and the factors of others are beyond your control and also mean Your emotions are uncontrollable, even humble. Why do you always care about the opinions of others? 1. The influence of the native family. 1.1. For example, parents themselves are inviting personality. The child’s growth thinking will follow the parents’ “learning in a way”. On the one hand, parents will continue to educate their children to gain the status of social value through the recognition of others, and on the other hand, they will teach themselves many ways to please others by precepts and deeds. For example, when you were young, your parents would tell you that toys should be given to others to play. This is the style of the big brother, and you must have the mental consciousness of “first people before you”. But at the same time, you sacrifice your desires and needs, and your happiness is based on whether others are happy. In the long run, it is easy for you to please others, because you care more about whether others are happy than your own desires and needs. 1.2. Parents who want to control too much. When encountering parents with over-controlling desires, the children’s desires and needs will become blindly to please the parents and get praise from the parents. Under the parental evaluation system, a good child must be scored 100 points. Children cannot have their own opinions and self, they must be filial and obedient. If this is not possible, parents will educate their children by accusing, beating and scolding. Over time, children will become timid and dare not express their own needs. Therefore, in the social process, they feel that they must be done so that others like themselves, and they are good friends, good employees, good students, good xxx and other roles. 2. Lack of self-evaluation system. Did you find it? Because I care about other people’s evaluation of myself, I feel very unhappy, and this is based on the evaluation system of others. “Other people’s evaluations” often fail to satisfy the other party, or that they are unhappy after listening to them, so that they “care”. Therefore, it is especially important to establish a correct self-evaluation system. For example, after you finish a thing, the source of your positive feedback should come from: I have completed this thing. I am awesome. Compared with the last time, what progress have I made? In the progress of this matter, what problems did I find? Rather than bad evaluations such as “you can’t do it” or “I think it’s almost”. Maybe you really have some problems, but the evaluation of others should not dominate all your emotions. You feel that you have put in a lot of effort, but you don’t get the result you want from the other party, and you feel anxious and powerless. In fact, it is unnecessary. A better way is to ask yourself by your own standards, to make yourself feel “I’m making progress”, and you should reward yourself well. What should I do? 1. First, you must believe that the suggestions made by others are positive, everyone is right and wrong, and they all want to solve the problem, and they are well-intentioned. Under this premise, when others have other opinions on us, we pay more attention to “how to improve ourselves and make ourselves better”, rather than letting unhappy emotions dominate our mood after the other party’s shortcomings. For example, when someone accuses you, you used to think that “he is making things difficult for you, and you are stupid”, but now you can understand “he misunderstood you, and whether the problems he pointed out can help you Really get better” and other well-intentioned, positive thoughts. 2. Be confident in your own judgment and dare to express your own ideas. Everyone may be worried, what if things are not done well after making their own decisions, causing others to ridicule them? The first thing to make sure is that when anyone makes mistakes, you are not a saint. The next step in “doing it wrong” is to fix why you did it wrong, not to please their ideas. This is also the only way to perfect one’s ability and personality. Are all grown-ups, isn’t it normal to be responsible for your own life? Do you blindly please others, and they will take full responsibility for your life? 3. Build a personal evaluation system. Whether it is the influence of the environment or the habitual thinking in the previous life process, from this moment on, you should not base your emotions on the evaluation of others. You have to establish a self-evaluation system for yourself. For example, if you love speeches, don’t be teased for fear of poor performance on stage. Every speech is an improvement, and you should feel happy. For example, if you are very committed and energetic in doing something, don’t deny your dedication and effort just because someone else is doing too badly. You can score yourself, and you can get positive feedback by recording your progress every time. For example, if you did certain behaviors that were improving from the previous time, you should affirm yourself. Finally, I hope you can understand: Don’t try to please everyone, because the fact is, you can’t please everyone. ——I am a psychology, a professional whole-ecological psychological service platform, providing online solutions for people in need of psychological help, and outputting healthy and scientific psychological values.

8 months ago

I’ll teach you a trick to ensure that you stay clean in spirit: so I usually respond with a polite response: Thank you. If you say, (civilized) then, thank you ≈goodbye, please go well. No need to care, no need to explain, no need to argue. As an adult, you should pay more attention to your own world instead of finding your presence in the world of others.

8 months ago

This is actually a solution for myself. Defining the core experience and priority is for the intersection, assessing constructiveness and value. In addition, there are stages in the growth of people, and the intersection dimension of interpersonal relationships also has stages. Weigh this Whether the stage is worthy of compatibility and then the time is stretched a little longer, you will find that people and things that cannot accumulate positive values are actually not important. For example, the expectation for yourself is: do your best to stand on the stage, wear a halo and only have your own High value, can improve and enhance one’s position in the environment. If you allow yourself to stand in low-lying areas, then everyone has to look up. Besides, if one’s value is not high, others will not have coordination. Most likely, the standpoint of the stance is irrelevant, or emotional or mocking judgments. After talking about it, people don’t care. After all, if you are not strong enough to have the value of overlapping interests…

8 months ago

First of all, this is a normal phenomenon, and most people will care about other people’s evaluations and opinions of their own value. Especially after doing something seriously, look forward to the affirmation and response from the outside world; or after making a choice, look forward to public recognition. Because only self-affirmation does not bring you enough confidence; only personal judgment makes you feel that it is not enough to make a decision, but you have to refer to the opinions of others; just doing your own way cannot be recognized and accepted by the society or a certain group, so you will choose to Compromise the opinions of others. But not all voices are positive and positive. Especially on the Internet, people have a lot of talk, hug and talk, and comments are piled up. If you care too much about the opinions of others, you will have a heavy life on the one hand, and on the other hand, it is easy to suppress yourself and lose your own direction. It took a lot of time to understand the opinions of others and put pressure on myself. “I don’t care about other people’s views”, and it needs to be changed geographically. American scholar Mark Bowerlein said in “The Stupidest Generation”: “One of the signs of a person’s maturity is that he understands that 99% of the things that happen to oneself every day have no meaning for others. “Therefore, other people’s valuation based on this is of little significance to oneself. It’s not that many people say “you can do it” and you can do it. Many people say “you can’t do it” and you can’t do it. Too much attention to the opinions of others will only waste time and energy. If you are not bound by the opinions of others and traditional ideas, you can gain freedom in your heart, and you will not be trapped by traditional ideas and popular thinking. If you blindly cater to the traditional value orientation, you will lose your true pursuits, what you are really good at, and compete with others like yourself. Daniel Amon once said: “When you are 18, you will feel that everyone is paying attention to you; when you are 40, you will not fully mind what others think of you; when you are 60, you will be aware Until no one cares about your private affairs. People are worrying about and thinking about their own affairs, not yours. Think about how you spend the day. What are you thinking about today? What are other people doing, or do they think about what you want to do or what you want to do? People only care about their own affairs and don’t care about your affairs at all.” The comment on the matter has no reference value. People need to think and make decisions based on their own direction and goals, not the remote control, micro-manipulation, and command of others who are not serious. Come on, strangers, we will all have a bright future.

8 months ago

Because you are in adolescence, and you haven’t constructed your own three views very well. Furthermore, don’t always think of yourself as the focus, you won’t care too much. You have to think about it, how stressful everyone is living in society now. People think about their own life problems, their academic, career, and family are all in distress, and they don’t have too much time to focus on you. Just be yourself. When you learn to enrich your life with such trivial things as reading, working, watching movies, cooking, and cleaning the room, you won’t be too concerned about other people’s opinions. After all, when you come to the world, you are the only one who is always by your side and never abandons. As long as you don’t become a person you hate, it’s great.

8 months ago

If you care too much about what others think of yourself, the fundamental reason is that you cannot achieve [self-pleasure]. The specific meaning of this statement is that you can’t or say that it is difficult to get the positive feelings brought about by the behavior itself through the positive motivation of self-behavior. The reasons for this situation are very complicated, but in general there are no more than two. The first is the limitation of individual ability, and the second is the external environment’s oppression of self-positive evaluation. The first point is actually very simple. For example, you are ugly, you have no money in your pocket, your brain is not smart, your eloquence is not good, and so on. The upper limit of these objective abilities determines that you cannot simply reward yourself and affirm yourself through the incentive model of [pay-gain] like others. This kind of situation is actually more common and basic, and due to the irrational difference in the expected goals brought about by the subjective judgment of ability. It does not really determine whether you care too much about others’ evaluations. The real reason actually comes from the second point, which is the oppression of the external environment. Generally speaking, we believe that the development of personal character is closely related to the original family. The most representative one is the relationship between the child’s self-confidence and the parent’s education style. For example, a child is originally smart and hardworking, and his academic performance has always been among the best, but his parents are more demanding of him. It shouldn’t be the first place or full score. So for a child who is not yet mature and lacks the practical understanding of society and the experience of self-enlightenment, his evaluation and judgment of his own behavior and results are usually derived from the relatively authoritative external adult environment. If parents always deny their own efforts and results, then human instinct is to find relatively positive affirmative channels to comfort oneself. Then the result is obvious-the child will try to confirm the positive meaning of his efforts and efforts through the positive evaluation of teachers and classmates. This distinction between closeness and closeness will give the child an impression that [the evaluation of outsiders is always relatively positive]. Then this child may become a person who values ​​others’ opinions too much in the future. The focus of this process is not the difference in the attitudes of parents and teachers and classmates, but the whole process, the children did not form a relatively objective and fair behavior evaluation standard. Children can’t evaluate their own effort and the degree of excellence in their results. This is the root of the problem. Let’s also take the child’s performance as an example. What if the child’s parents use another evaluation model. For example, a certain test score came out, although it was good, but it was not among the best. During the evaluation, the parents asked: “Do you think you did well this time?” “If the test is not good, it is because you are not smart enough or not enough. Efforts, or sloppy questions?” “If you think your test is pretty good, does that mean you think your efforts are worthy of your current results?” “If so, if you work harder, So will your grades go further? “The most essential difference between this model and the above-mentioned model is that parents’ inquiries actually help children construct a cognitive logic, that is-your grades and your abilities , Hard work, and seriousness are related. They are all children’s own qualities and their own choices. Rather than subjective and crude judgments of parents. At least on the issue of learning, I believe that regardless of the grades, the second way of parental judgment is definitely more enthusiasm for learning than the first, because it will let the children know that their own harvest and happiness are related to their own The quality is related, not determined by the opinions and standards of others. The above example is just to analyze from the perspective of learning what factors make a person form the problem of overly caring about the views of others. In fact, the influence of factors and environment is very complicated, but the internal logic is the same. To put it bluntly, the reason why you care about other people’s views is because you can’t believe and agree with your own views of yourself. the above.

8 months ago

I think this is due to the lack of self-confidence in the bottom of my heart. We always strive to seek superiority in various gaps. We care about the opinions of people around us, not just for someone, but for everyone. We care about being different from others and being treated differently by others. Perhaps because of a certain experience, the opinions of people around us have caused a lot of harm to ourselves. We began to wonder if we were doing it by ourselves, and whether we would make others laugh at it… But in fact, this is a pathological state. We should face this kind of psychology and get rid of it step by step, and no longer be bound by the opinions of people around us. The best thing is to be ourselves. So, many people’s views are actually very vague to us. They are insignificant and not very important. Perhaps a passerby, only at a distance of a few meters and a few seconds, your destiny overlaps, and they will have nothing to do with each other in the future. , Then don’t care too much. Friends, calm and calm, this is very good, come on.

8 months ago

Every time I see this kind of question, I think-are people who care too much about others’ opinions, are they excessively inferior or narcissistic? Say you are excessively low self-esteem, why do you feel that others are watching you, talking about you, paying attention to what you have done, as if you are not doing any business, always ready to mock you, but say you are excessively narcissistic, you face You can’t bear the bad evaluations, and the nonsense that others just touch their mouths and spit out will blow you away. Many respondents said many points of view, from system to character, to inner energy, but I think in the final analysis there is one sentence: Don’t think that the world revolves around you. When you really understand this sentence, you will find that many problems are mediocre. As long as you are not the type that is so bad that everyone around you avoids you, there is a high probability that you will be a talker in others’ mouths. When people appear as a talker, you will be gossip at best. It’s over, only you take it seriously. I used to have another type around me, who took the initiative to ask others to evaluate myself: How did it feel to see me for the first time? How do you feel when you meet now? What kind of person do you think I am? I still remember the awkward feeling that was made up, because I didn’t care about her at all, and didn’t observe her at all, but she seemed to feel that we were watching her every day. At this time, you It is even more impossible to get an evaluation of true feelings. When you discover that you are a mortal, mediocre, or vulgar, you will naturally not care so much about the opinions of others. After all, those who live in the opinions of others are public figures every day. In addition, find more things to do, don’t be idle, you will naturally not care about what others think of you when you are busy.

8 months ago

Hello, this is not a problem. Because everyone cares about the opinions of others, because society is a huge system, and everyone’s system has different operating methods and people. You said you don’t care who cares, whether you have money, how do your relatives and friends think of you, whether you are handsome or tall, how you talk, how you work, how knowledgeable you are, do you not care about others’ opinions? Escape from one’s own psychological wall, and no one can escape, because no matter where you go, there will be people. Secondly, your question should be how to debug yourself based on this kind of psychological pressure after caring about the views of others.

8 months ago

Social animals are very thorough. As long as people have the need to be paid attention to, integrate into the collective, and play their own roles, the wisdom of life also says that it is very clear that people are consciousness, body, property, and other people’s opinions that care about others. Perceptions are natural and necessary needs of human beings. You can realize that you care too much about the opinions of others, and then just make conscious adjustments. My suggestion is to strengthen yourself with both knowledge and body, and become more confident. Your body consciousness will increase, and the proportion of others’ opinions will naturally decrease.

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