A family of famous doctors, talented and beautiful from a young age, with awards hanging on the walls, these messages suggest that Fang Siqi lives in a family that pays great attention to face. In a mere appearance family, there is no real “emotion” between parents and between parents and children. Everyone wants to make a beautiful vase. Once a person has a “human touch”, it is a piece Very terrible thing. When their daughters said that they needed sex education, they actually responded like this: Just now at the dinner table, Siqi said to her mother with bread and butter, “Our family education seems to have everything, but there is no sex education.” My mother looked at her in surprise and answered “What kind of sex education? Sex education is for those who need sex.” What’s wrong with the need for sex? Need sex to show that you are dirty? Don’t you need sex? Finally, there is a sex education textbook that tells children how to protect themselves, but the parents who think that they protect their children are booed off the shelves. As everyone knows, every silence in sex education is an inspiration to the devil. In Chinese culture, “saving nature and destroying human desires” has always been a cultural mainstream, do not believe you are a middle school student You can see in the school uniforms that you wear like face pockets, how much abstinence is promoted in Chinese culture. Food color, sex too. Sex is the same as eating, which is the most basic need of a person to live, but our culture has to deny this, so what’s the point of being alive? Why to this day, our family still “talks about sex change”? When a daughter comes to puberty, she often has to face a midlife crisis father and a menopausal mother. The relationship between husband and wife may have changed from “love to family”, and the love between men and women has long been barren and deserted. Men may have been secretive and have objects of sexual satisfaction outside, while women have begun to eat the Buddha and enter the asexual world to become ostriches. The daughter’s growing hormones can easily awaken the mother’s pain-I am old and declining, unable to make my husband desire me. I am already a woman on the verge of being abolished. I am a woman who needs sex but does not have sex. Middle-aged woman… All her expectation is to let her daughter not irritate her pain, and at the same time she hopes that her daughter can always be her good girl, a small vase, and become the pride of her life. In short, she does not want her daughter to be more self-conscious, more independent, and more lustful. These are terrible destruction of her self-hypnosis and will make her realize how sad she is. At this time, she will blacken the existence of sex, desire and all human nature. How shameful she will blacken a woman with sexual desire, if her husband is out for pleasure at this time, she will be interested Inadvertently let her daughter realize: what a pitiful and shameful man a man is, even your dad is just a low-level creature, only low-level creatures need sex, because he needs low-level stimulation, he will betray Family, and the little vixen who seduce him outside is even more mischievous…At this time, if the father does not have enough EQ, he does not know how to deal with the increasingly mature daughter. He can feel his desire for his daughter, but this What a shame! All he can do is to gradually alienate his daughter. My daughter will also be very confused, how can I be sexually interested in such a mean thing? Why do I think so hard about my father? If I want to hug my dad and act like a baby in my dad’s arms, is it a kind of depravity? Then when I was a little girl, how could I walk like this without being condemned? How do I distinguish between being a daughter and being close to a father, and being a woman and being close to a father? It is conceivable that after this news comes out, many people will scream: We must strengthen sex education for girls! Things are not that simple. The reason why we have repeated problems in sex education is because we have resistance. This resistance is not only a problem of ideas, but the failure of sex education may also come from the failure of the family, the failure of the relationship between husband and wife, and the self of adult parents. Developmental failure: Couples enter a period of indifference, unable to develop human emotions, they can only materialize themselves, men go outside for fun, women begin to close themselves; daughters cannot face the ever-expanding desires and “containers” that are impossible to process : How should she face desire? Is it depravity or depression? Depravity is pleasant, but full of sin; repression is safe, but uninteresting. At this time, devil teachers or bad boys are easy to take advantage of the emptiness. They are the worst sexual enlightenment teachers. They stand in the blank area that their parents are afraid to avoid, and become the only ones who answer the girl’s questions, but the price is, the girl To suffer the trauma of a lifetime. What kind of trauma is this? This is a story about “a girl fell in love with a seducer.” The emotions of all of us are a process of gradual differentiation. At the beginning, we will project all our needs to our parents, thinking that they can meet all our needs. But later we discovered that kindergarten teachers can also meet some of the needs that our parents cannot meet: in the outside world, we also need authority protection; we also need a “head-up” perspective between peers; we also need a perspective from the top, we can Help them and get a sense of value from it… This is a process of gradual differentiation of needs. In the end, only a small part of the satisfaction of our parents is left, and most of the needs have been gradually subcontracted in different categories. But in a family with “low emotional differentiation”, because parents cannot give their children enough emotion, all the children’s attention is to maintain the needs of their parents. Lin Yihan’s father is a man who is very dissatisfied with narcissism. What he needs most is not money, but other people listening to his endless speeches. A person so needs others to listen, and what others listen to is to feed him. How can such a person be patient enough to listen to his daughter’s confession? (Note: Dissatisfaction with narcissism means that you do not like yourself very much. You need to seek likes everywhere to make yourself feel good.) If parents’ narcissism level is too low, they will unconsciously reach out to their children and let them sacrifice themselves. The price, to satisfy their urgent self-esteem. Children exist to make them feel worthy of living. For a long time, Lin Yihan only developed a perfect personality mask, and her self was stagnant at a very young age. She was so eager to be loved and even sexually assaulted, and she had to endure it for a long time. This is true for many people who lack love at a very young age. They fall in love with rapists, people who have been in love with her for a long time, and the scumbag who keeps cheating, just like a prostitute falls in love with a pimp, and a drug addict falls in love with a drug dealer. same. She would rather be abused, would rather be injured than feel cared for, even if she knew that the other party was using herself, she knew that all this was just being deceived again and again. But guilt and self-doubt torture her. She drinks coffee, stays up late, suffers from chronic insomnia, and wakes up screaming and crying when she sleeps, because her world is half an iceberg and half a flame. She once hinted to her family that she needed help, but her mother said that the teacher-student relationship is the girl’s own harassment. Later, Siqi began to refuse, but was tied up with a rope by the teacher forcibly, and Siqi went crazy ever since. The teacher also sent her nude photos to warn the other girls who had been killed. Those girls who were killed did not get much better in the end. Mom tells her daughter that you should be a person with self-esteem, even if your self-esteem sometimes sews your mouth. After she is famous, she belongs to the perfect world, and the parents who betrayed her lose the meaning of existence; Teacher Devil has two things she needs: sexual satisfaction and a little feeling of being cared for. So as long as the teacher calls out, he still can’t help attending the appointment. This is the saddest place. She was turned into a vase by her parents and sexually exploited by another social “parent”. No one can understand her and comfort her; no one can protect her and point her. What she couldn’t understand was why the person she loved would treat her in such a cruel and inhuman way? She couldn’t understand herself, why was she exploited and hurt so much, or should she indulge in it again and again? Her self is too poor to distinguish between love and hatred, satisfaction of desire and satisfaction of dignity. She constantly uses the logic of her parents to self-attack, and she constantly uses her own human needs to attack the logic of her parents. Her life lacks the comfort of motherhood and the thought weapon of fatherhood to digest everything that happened to her, so everything she does is self-contradictory. Even at the wedding, she locked herself in the room while crying while watching novels. She writes novels with a malicious intent, wanting others to suffer, and at the same time indulging in the constant “meticulous depiction” of those painful details. In a sense, her marriage has completed allegiance to her parents, because her daughter’s marriage often means the pinnacle of the honor of her parents’ lifetime, and it must also give the narcissistic father a good opportunity to speak. At the same time, he published books, accepted interviews, and committed suicide shortly after marriage. In fact, it was a kind of protest, an accusation against his parents, and an attack on the world. Perhaps only one death can the world understand her, value her, and love her. Many people told me how much she wanted to die. After death, she knew she wanted to see the regretful faces of her parents, but why didn’t she commit suicide afterwards? It was because she discovered that even if she died, the parents might be at a loss, wondering what happened to their children. Last year, hackers secretly logged into the mobile phones of many Hollywood stars and posted nude photos of the actresses online. Among them was the big cousin Jennifer Lawrence. She curiously asked the reporter: Why should I apologize? To apologize, it should be those hackers who exposed the privacy of others to be held accountable. I think of Edison Chen and many actresses who took pornographic photos, which is also personal privacy, but once exposed, he and those actresses who were originally the victims will be greatly affected. For this reason, he has to quit the entertainment circle and apologize. Why should he apologize? It was the criminals who hacked his faulty hard drive and these photos appeared. Are he and the actresses the victims? There is always this logic in Chinese culture: if you are stolen, people will accuse you of not protecting your wallet; if a woman is sexually assaulted, people will accuse you of improper behavior-why other women are not harassed? Because our culture is the culture of face, there is no justice and no humanity in the face culture. If you are unlucky, everyone will be pushed against the wall, so you can only swell your face to fill your body. This is a society where errors are not allowed, mistakes are not allowed, and the weak are not allowed to exist. In such a culture, it is no wonder that there are so many giant babies, so many virgins, and so many “psychological poor”. My consultation room is full of people like this. They are people with “no tiles and no place to stand” in their inner world. No one understands her, no one supports her, and no one can help her. Even psychiatrists have corrected the diagnosis of her condition several times-“You are a person who has experienced the Vietnam War” → “You are a person who has experienced a concentration camp” → “You are a person who has experienced a nuclear explosion”, a More than one overwhelmed her. I don’t know the context of these words, but these descriptions are only literal and have certain problems: obviously Lin Yiru’s problem is that she lacks the thought weapon to digest these painful thoughts, and her three views have caused her to treat this matter. Chew repeatedly. What happened to her was indeed terrible, but more importantly, how should she understand what happened to her? Is this really so terrible? Not necessarily. She needs sex, it’s not wrong; she wants the love of her parents, it’s not wrong; her world is not perfect, it doesn’t matter; even if the world is nuclear exploded, she can rebuild a better home. Her death did not lie in sexual assault, but could not find the meaning of existence. The horror of trauma lies in destruction, destroying all the meaning of your existence, and you have nothing to defend against this world. But the benefits of trauma are also ruining, because it can also allow you to rebuild a world through destruction. And this reconstruction comes from a person who can stay with her in that place of the Vietnam War, in that concentration camp, in that nuclear explosion site, and walk out with her. Unfortunately, no one can really walk into her heart. Perhaps this is a necessity. She chose the perfect literary world instead of trusting in a person’s company, which in itself shows that she might have hit it like this. But you must remember that you have another choice, which is to heal in love! If you have any marital emotional confusion, you can leave a message in the comment area or contact @心理咨询师卢悦 There is always a night to go in life, I am the hands holding you in the dark.