As a recusal, I suggest leaving. After walking into the counseling room, I realized what a big emotional black hole we were avoiding. This black hole can only be filled by ordinary people as lovers, and the power is a drop in the bucket. Not only that, but it is also likely to hurt you. The formation of avoidance is very clear. It is mostly the emotional neglect in the early years. It seems to be easy to understand, but you must know that for a serious avoidance, the trauma of TA may last more than ten or twenty years. It has formed a strong and heavy defense layer in TA’s psychology. Does an ordinary person really have such a large energy to melt it? And there is another important condition for healing: avoiding one must recognize one’s own problems and actively seek solutions, such as psychological counseling (you can play a supporting role in this process), otherwise you are the only one who suffers. Let me talk about my own experiences and feelings: I grew up in a very traditional Chinese family with a harmonious parental relationship, but I still developed an avoidance. However, I now know that my family seems to be stable and normal, but the drawbacks of a Chinese-style family are also very obvious-education is only about reasoning and problem-solving, while ignoring emotional needs (such as caress and recognition). But I will not complain. My parents have done their best to love me. I have grown up and should learn to face my future psychological growth. The most obvious trauma I felt was the ostracism and isolation in school during the entire elementary and junior high school period. During this period, I did not develop basic emotional functions and social skills, which made my social life extremely difficult. As a result, my psychology has changed in two aspects: 1. On the one hand, I try to imitate the social behavior of others to integrate into the group. However, due to the lack of real emotional experience, subsequent social interactions seem to become normal, but to a large extent it only stays at the level of behavior and skills, and it is difficult to get deep into the heart. 2. On the other hand, after experiencing too much rejection and negation, I began to use “reason” to build a solid psychological defense: since there is no emotional dependence, only by becoming sensible and strong can I protect myself. At the age of fifteen or sixteen, which should have been sprouting, and when peers were frantically probing on the edge of puberty love, I shielded my emotional needs and took achievement in study and work as my only pursuit, and I continued it. (Yes, my mother solo didn’t talk about her first love until she was 26. Of course, it was destroyed by my avoidance to a certain extent.) At this point, I made a simple review of the cause of my avoidance. The growth experience of the avoiders is similar, which can be used as a reference. In short, avoidance healing is a long process. If the avoidance person is willing to change, and you want to accompany him as a lover, then I certainly bless you; but it is not easy for everyone. Don’t leave because of such a person’s grievance. You also deserve better.


By zhiwo

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5 months ago

left. It didn’t take a long time at all, and within a month, I left. At the beginning, he behaved very well, in every respect he was a gentle and perfect lover. But after more than half a month, he started to have something wrong, avoiding me, avoiding problems, thinking that I was clingy and annoying… I doubted myself at the time, did he dislike me? But he should like it, otherwise, why would he come after me? Why is he still jealous? Still worried about me? This definitely likes me. Am I really clingy? No, my predecessors have never commented on me like this. They even think that I am not clingy enough. The word too clingy shouldn’t matter to me. (So ​​it’s good to have experience in dating, which can help you judge some problems) Isn’t there any novelty? But just over half a month! Whose novelty flies so fast? Although I am not that funny, I am definitely not that kind of particularly boring person. After all, others say I am lively and cheerful. And we didn’t go to bed or anything, so why didn’t we have any freshness? Excluding these possibilities, it is certainly not my problem. I went to check the information and figured it out. It turned out that he really had a problem. I thought, help him, after all, I like him too. But I found that I can’t help him. A person who must be silent whenever he encounters a problem, a person who finds it annoying to meet and chat every day, and a person who starts cold and violent whenever there is a disagreement… How can I help him? ? painful. I know that all this was not his intention, nor his fault, but he himself is unwilling to face it or change it. What is the use of my efforts alone? So I gave up. After all, judging by my not-so-rich but experienced love experience, the next one will really be better. And the right person is more important than the degree of love, because feelings can be cultivated, as long as you like and are the right person, then you can develop into love. But people are not suitable, no matter how strong the love is, the pain of getting along will eventually consume those love. We fall in love for happiness, for happiness, for progress and growth together, for the sake of becoming better people together, not for being doctors or “parents”. I hope that all avoidance types can get happiness, but happiness must be achieved by yourself. Don’t wait for a perfect lover to fall from the sky, and always give you unrequited love. This kind of thing can only be found in dreams and works of art. I also suggest that lovers who are avoiding-type people are best to leave. If you want to respond to everything and make you a happy, happy lover, you want a happy, sweet relationship, or even a dull and warm marriage, I will I suggest you leave. Stop loss in time is for your own sake. We must first learn to love ourselves before we can love others better. You don’t love yourself. You are spent in the intimacy that is going to empty you. You are always asking for the avoidance type who has no love at all. Love, where does this come from? Isn’t this difficult for you? Of course you agree, if you want moths to fight the fire, you want a vigorous love, then just treat it as I didn’t say it. Or, if your avoidance type is not serious and you are willing to actively change it, then I also wish you an early harvest of a partner who knows how to love.

5 months ago

To be precise, most of them ended up being left. You don’t want to go, but there is no way to go. Then left. You still want to stay, but there is nothing to do. Then left. You hit a wall all the way and broke your head, but still feel that there may be a way, but you find that there is only a wall. Then left. You want to try again and let go of your self-esteem, but you find that you are fighting alone and you don’t appreciate it. Then left. You may never have thought that loving someone would be so deep and hot. But the rollercoaster-like relationship makes you unable to do it yourself. At first, it was a perfect love, but then how did it become a sad love. It’s impossible to do without it, unwilling and reluctant. If the heart is broken into scum, it is better to always think of the other person, even a little bit. Is this love? It may be an injury that you dare not touch again in your life. It may also become a thought that you can’t let go of your whole life. For some people, it is also possible to become a lifelong lover. Different situations, different ways, and different endings. In the end, many of those who leave are left, and what can really stay requires ability and deeds.

5 months ago

As a former avoidant lover, let me answer this question. Leaving is a cost-effective decision overall. Unless you have the patience to be unwilling to condemn the other party after all kinds of pain, unless you are lucky enough, and you are willing to compensate you after the avoidance encountered, and you are willing to accept the other party’s love, unless you are smart enough and strong enough. Enough love. If you have done the above psychological construction, you can choose not to leave. Why not leave? No way, feelings are never the product of rational consideration, knowing that a person has various problems, but immortals can’t stop people from thinking about others. Back to the topic, the attachment type is related to innate factors, but it is not static. Some major experiences and changes in the subsequent growth process will also affect a person’s attachment type. I can now particularly understand that one of my girlfriends broke up with me, because The “curse” that love and hate issued to me, to be honest, if it weren’t for the miserable love, even the most decent thing after the breakup can be done. It was she who made me realize that the avoidance type brings to each other’s experience in love is really bad. Sadly, the avoidance type is not aware of many of their behavior patterns in love, or is not aware of the destruction of their own behavior patterns. Anyone who has been in love with avoidant types knows how much sex is. But avoidance type is definitely not a fool. Such people tend to have better IQ and EQ (in terms of work and career) than most people. Such people have relatively low demand for intimacy, and low demand means less investment, so they are dealing with this type of people. If people are in a romantic relationship, if you want to deal with them, I will give you a few tips below: 1. You have to be strong. It’s best if you are good at a certain aspect, such as being excellent at work, such as having strong thinking skills, that is, being able to talk and talking, such as a certain hobby of yours, it’s better not the other person is also good at it. In short, you have to be NB in ​​a certain aspect in the eyes of the other party. 2 Don’t keep a low profile to please. Low-profile flattering is a very worthless behavior in the eyes of the avoidant. Don’t just rely on the other person to warm up the avoidant heart. It’s difficult, unless you are even moved by God to help you. What should you do? The focus is mainly on yourself, contact from time to time, and let your feelings grow naturally. If you are not anxious, the more anxious you are, the other party will find you inexplicable. 3 Deliver love without action. The avoidance type is not stupid. Your actions are more convincing than your words. They see it in their eyes and keep them in mind. Even if you can consider a small matter for the other person, they may not be grateful for your actions. , But it’s actually clear in my heart that this is a process of suffering, and many people cannot hold on to this stage. 4 Don’t hesitate when the value is full. The avoidance type is actually very pitiful sometimes, sad, I want to be stubborn, showing an indifferent appearance, it is really annoying and hateful, satisfying them to be needed, understood, and recognized. Inner needs, don’t have general knowledge with “patients”, especially when they are fragile, full value is useful. 5 Rhythm control. Don’t let the avoidant type think that you have to. When he is far away from you, keep a moderate distance. Pull back when he is far away. He tries to get close to you. It is actually very difficult in the early stage. When he takes the initiative to approach you, you may already be Spent the hardest part. In a word, falling in love with an avoidant type really requires a big heart, it is very tiring and bitter, and it has high demands on people. If you think you can carry all kinds of fluctuations and finally persist, in fact, you will eventually find , It is still worthwhile, this conclusion has been verified by some “survivors” who have fallen in love with avoidance. Finally, I would like to say, there is no absolute avoidance or safety type. If you encounter it, you will encounter it, and if you love it, you will love. When you encounter problems, you can solve the problem. There is no smooth relationship. The only thing we can do is to love. For a little time, learn to love wisely, and finally be grateful for our persistence at the beginning, through the hardest part, and reaping the love of life. That is the blessing of life. No value, no sharing, I am He Mu.

5 months ago

If it were me, I would not. Even if you can’t become a lover and become a good friend, it’s actually very rare for someone who is shunned to meet someone who is highly similar to yourself without any effort to explain. When I was young, I felt that the future had infinite possibilities, the immediate opportunity was lost, and I also thought that there were other opportunities waiting for me in the future. One day I stood in the future and turned around to discover that the one who had been squandered was already the most precious opportunity.

5 months ago

Everyone is different. Maybe the avoidance type you encounter is very serious and you will be hurt if you continue to persist. Maybe he/she has an avoidant personality, but he/she really loves you and is willing to change actively. It’s all right not to leave. No one can understand from the beginning whether a relationship can eventually achieve a positive result, but I Do still hope that everyone can take one step more, even if it is for a little longer, not to leave regrets in a relationship. Below I Do share a real, avoidant lover’s own mental journey, I hope it can be inspiring for everyone. The following content comes from a fan contribution: I admit that I am afraid of marriage. In recent years, there are more and more people like me. It’s really not that I don’t believe in love. After hearing too much about marriage, people become very sad about love. Slowly, they lose the yearning and longing that a little girl should have for love. When I was young, my parents often quarreled, and even dropped things in serious cases. I was so frightened that I didn’t dare to speak out. At the age of three, I became a “good girl” in the eyes of others. She was obedient, sensible, and loves to learn. Everyone thinks that I have such a natural nature, as quiet as Lin Daiyu. In fact, I am just afraid that I am an annoying guy. Even my parents will quarrel about my affairs. Who can expect to be friends with me? I have never expected to have a happy love and marriage like others, and I am used to responding to the eager eyes of the suitor with strong rejection. Only I know that it is fear that the goodwill of others will be fleeting. More importantly, since I was a student, whenever I wanted to express my thoughts, my father’s fierce face “No such, no such” appeared in my mind. Later, I became an “extremely easy-going” person in everyone’s eyes. I can do anything, whether it’s eating, reading, or playing, I just do it casually, because I haven’t had my own ideas since I was a child. 01 The weather was very good on the day of high school registration, and I was in a bad mood because of my failure in the senior high school entrance examination. I lowered my head and entered the teaching building. A boy came to face me. The moment we looked at each other, the boy’s bright eyes were imprinted in my mind. But within three seconds of my heartbeat, my father’s face appeared in my mind. With a cold sweat on my palm, I ran out of the corridor with a “swish”, thinking: No, no, no, no. In the next semester of high school, the student union organizes mountain climbing. I am a student union cadre and I am responsible for leading the team. Unexpectedly, he was also in the team that day. He was cold to people, but whenever I peeped at him, he smiled at me shyly and nervously… On the return trip, I could no longer hold back the deer in my heart, and steadily caught him to me. Throwing eyes. I didn’t care about what happened to the others for a while, so I and him “stab” out of the main unit and ran down the trail… We ran and laughed, and finally ran to a deserted road, and he was panting. Angrily took my hand. Next to the big locust tree at the foot of the mountain, we talked for a long time—talking about our favorite things, and two people’s imaginations about the future. If my heart is a black house with blinds, then his arrival seems to be a curtain that opened up, letting a beam of light shine through my black house. That night, I lost sleep. 02 I was very moved by him, but my parents were too strict with me, so in the winter of that year, I refused his confession. I didn’t expect that he would transfer school after that. A year later, on the opening day of the third year of high school, I was cleaning in the class, and a familiar figure appeared at the door. I looked up and my jaw was almost taken off. It was him. He stunned and said: “I can’t let go of you, I want to see you every day.” The 30-odd classmates who were present heard it and started to make a fuss. I never thought that I would meet such a persistent person: he brought me lunch every day, held a cup of hot drink at the entrance of the classroom for self-study every night, and helped me move the table for each exam, and every day after school Send me home… It’s just that we haven’t held hands anymore. His high-profile behavior also spread to the ears of the school and my parents. They have to look for me again and again, to talk softly, and threaten the ones who are fierce. The center says: High school students can’t fall in love, which affects their studies. You can do whatever you want until college. Girls must protect themselves. I can only say: I know, I refused. But in the second half, I couldn’t say how he was like himself. Because it sounds like this, he seems to be wishful thinking, clinging to me. This will hurt him. 03 May be born with no luck in exams, and I failed the college entrance examination, so I stayed in Taiyuan, Shanxi to go to school, and he went to Haikou, which is far away in the sky. After applying for the college entrance examination, I said: How about that? Plan to bury him in the memory. Just like this for a year. One day in my sophomore year, I had an evening study. This man appeared at the door of my dormitory holding a big plush rabbit with long ears. I was shocked again. It was him. I have a voice in my heart: It’s over, it’s over, this one is completely over… After five years of escaping, I finally surrendered and promised his confession. That day we hugged for the first time and caught the long-haired monster in the arms of two people. in. However, the parents’ opposition is still strong. Their family is doing business and the economic situation is unstable. The year they graduated from college, they encountered an economic crisis. My parents did not accept it even more. They even said: “The young couple will always be in love after being together for a long time. Why do they have to choose him?” I was afraid that my family would be upset because of me, so I convinced myself “let him go and everything will be fine”, and I began to obey my parents. , According to their arrangement, I met many weird people that year. Maybe I’m the one in everyone’s mouth. If you have a boyfriend and want to go on a blind date, you will inevitably be pointed and talked about. I lived very wronged, very dark, and very confused. One night, I suddenly remembered that he treats me bit by bit: On the Dragon Boat Festival, he poured himself into a soup chicken, and he would also send me warm rice dumplings; on my birthday, he had to take care of me, so he had to do it for me. Hurrying to make cakes; when he came home from school in Hainan during the Chinese New Year, he did not bring any luggage himself, but brought me a whole box of paramites; no matter where he went to find good things, he always shared them with me immediately… I was hiding Under the quilt, I couldn’t help crying loudly. I finally made up my mind: I am not afraid of thousands of people blocking it! My parents and I had a showdown: Don’t go on a blind date, I want to be with him. My parents were surprised at the “rebellion” of my good girl. In fact, I finally found myself and knew how to make choices. 04 I told him that I had reached a consensus with my parents, not to go on a blind date. Actually, I had a fight with them, but it didn’t matter. As long as I can get rid of the messy baggage and be with you. His proposal was simple, in an ordinary autumn afternoon. The park was the same as usual. We went to watch the sunset together for the first time. The first time we heard each other’s heartbeat, he asked, “Can we get old together?” What flashed before my eyes, in addition to the memories of past pains and joys, there was the I Do diamond ring that I tried on three times. Its light flowed freely under the sunset that day. At that moment, I was convinced that I belonged. I used to not believe in love so much, thinking that I would die alone, but I never expected that there would be such a person who would take off my guard against love so lovingly. After 11 years of wandering and resistance, I finally determined that only he can resolve my fear of love and marriage, and make me calm and gentle. Even if there are too many thorns in life, he is enough. He held my hand and asked me over and over again: “Are you willing?” I do, of course I do! 05 Now, we have a home. Although the house is not big, there is a yard, two Bianmu and a stupid Garfield. It is full of our love for life. He planted my favorite maple tree in the yard. He said: “This pond is called Wanfengtang, because there is a word’wan’ in your name. There are maple trees and koi ponds that you like. “Before I thought that flowers and Western food are love. Later, we were very busy at work. I began to think that the most important thing in love is to talk well, sleep well, and take three meals a day seriously. On the weekend, I had a rest with him in the small courtyard, watching the green fade in autumn, the maple trees were covered with red leaves, and they fell into the fish pond without rush…This is the life I want. I can finally throw away the indifference of the old days and be a gentle cat in love. Everyone lives in the world as a mortal body, no one has special abilities, no one has a shortcut from the past to the future, and no one can have a perfect insight into what the other person is thinking. If you really love her/him, the only thing we can do is to hold the person in our hands tightly. Avoidance lovers, many times are roses with thorns. If you can hold it through the thorns, you can harvest a flower of your own, but it will hurt you very often… No matter what, I Do I hope everyone will not have any regrets in any relationship. The above content is included in I Do’s love book “101 Times I Do”, each one is a true story. If you like it, give a thumbs up to this tough boy and brave girl. In the future, I will bring you more heart-warming love stories to help you analyze your relationship problems. Where there is love, @I Do, see you next time, I wish you happiness.

5 months ago

Anxious people and avoidant people have to practice their minds when they fall in love. Together, these two types of people are totally incompatible. But as long as there is enough love, there is a prerequisite for being together, and the rest, listen to me. You have to know where you two are in this relationship, and understand your orientation. The contradictory anxiety type belongs to the goal orientation, that is, as long as the goal is reached, it will do everything. The process orientation is that the goal is not important, what you say is what you do. To put it simply, the ambivalence and anxiety type is as long as you can hug me, as long as you go home every night, as long as you say love me verbally, even if you lie to me, I can accept it. It is not necessarily whether you love me or not. Care, it’s okay. Therefore, the contradictory and anxious person can endure the cold treatment of some avoidant people for a long time. As long as this avoidant person does not leave the home, as long as he does not divorce, people with ambivalence and anxiety can accept it, even if there is only one shell left in the marriage. For him, the shell is more important to him than the content of the shell. For the avoidant person, the most painful thing is not that others do not leave him, he can be abandoned by others. What is more painful for him is how others talk to him about breaking up, and what he cares more about is whether others talk to him gently. People with contradictions and anxiety tend to have the intestines, in other words, what they eat and what they are pulled, and they don’t get around at all. One of their advantages is that you can forget it when you put your claws. It is often anger in the first second, and happy in the second. If you release your emotions and temper in the first second, it will be fine. The next second will be happily communicating with you. For him this time The conflict is over. But this is not the case for avoidant people. The most painful thing for avoidant people is your storm. An avoidant person once told me that he couldn’t keep up with what his wife said. His wife was still angry for a second, and laughed the next second, and he was still immersed in the last second. His wife speaks so fast that he can’t keep up at all. His wife said a word, he will spend an afternoon processing. He finally processed this sentence, and the next minute, his wife said another sentence, and he needed another day to digest it. Therefore, for an avoidant person, his inner memory is very difficult to digest. His inner heart is full of various evaluations. For him, he cannot cause various problems, because everything is He needs to solve it himself. People with ambivalence and anxiety express their emotions like vomiting. She feels good when she spit it out, and then the matter is over. Therefore, many people with ambivalence and anxiety suffer here. She expresses her emotions, and she thinks it is over. , But I didn’t expect that avoidant people would keep small black accounts. Once, a husband really took out a small notebook with a dense memory on it. What did she say in a few years, a few days and a few days, she hurt me. The avoidant type looks very loyal and honest, but in fact the mind is so small that those of the contradictory and anxious type cannot imagine, because they have few resources, he does not have so many people to express attachment. For example, a child, the so-called poor child is early in the house, why does the rich child not work so hard? Because he doesn’t need to work so hard, he has a lot of resources. If he has a bad test score, or if something goes wrong, his father can help him; his father can’t help him, his uncle can help him; his uncle can’t solve it, his grandfather can help him; seven aunts and eight aunts, relatives Friends, his dad’s buddies… can help him solve it, he has a lot of resources, so he is fine. For a farmer’s child, if he fails the college entrance examination, even if it is 1 or 0.5 points lower, his destiny will be reversed. Therefore, his life must not be lost. He must have a lot of high evaluation systems in his heart, so He is very tired and needs this process to be good. Therefore, the avoidant type and the contradictory anxious type have conflicts in all places like the tip of a needle to the wheat mang. They are attracted to each other at first, but once they are together, the mutually exclusive areas will also appear. The avoidant type attracts the contradictory and anxious type because of their “stableness”, as if everything is calm. In fact, it is not that they are calm, but they are numb. They seem to follow her in everything, but in fact it is to avoid conflict. The contradictory anxiety type will also attract the avoidant type, because the former is lively, he can express his emotions naturally like a child, like a free child (Free Child), what to say, this It is the quality that avoidant people dream of.

5 months ago

Since I am a lover, I will not take the initiative to leave. Love is dedication, giving up one’s own interests, and making each other happy. Leaving her may benefit me, but it is selfish, not love anymore. Because of pain, I, who avoided my lover, also became an avoidant attachment. If she wishes to leave, I will not stop her. To love a person is to give the other person freedom, not to deprive him of freedom. Say to her: “You are excellent! You deserve better!” Encourage her to seek happiness boldly. If she does not leave, I am willing to accompany her all the time. Use gentle words to smooth the waves in her heart. With warm arms, melt her cold heart. Use intimacy to overcome difficulties together. Spend time with her for a lifetime. Haruki Murakami said: If I love you, and you happen to love me. When your hair is messed up, I will smile and dial for you, and then I will leave my hand on your hair for a few more seconds. If I love you, and you accidentally don’t love me. Your hair is messed up, I will only tell you gently, your hair is messed up.

5 months ago

Avoidance is always used to deny first, alienate first, push away first, thinking that it won’t hurt. But in fact, I don’t know that the other person will feel weightless. Every step is like walking in the clouds, just like she didn’t know that the rain dripping down the skirt corners would stab you. Avoidance in love will produce a self-defense mechanism: if you set a minimum expectation value for this relationship in advance, and reserve a buffer zone to face the pain, then when the time of the end of the relationship really comes, it can reduce the pain. . Avoidance is a very contradictory creature, who clearly longs to be cherished, but builds a wall to protect itself in the bottom of my heart. So I want to say to avoidance: Can you move a little bit in your world, and stop using high walls to repel all those who want to get close to you, they just knock on the door because they want to cherish you? . Love is always unreasonable. So, if my lover is avoidant, I will try my best to continue this relationship until the end. Because that is the one I love. I’m Sister Yi, you can talk to me when you’re sad, and if nothing happens, I’ll be there for the rest of my life.

5 months ago

As a person who used to be avoidant attachment, I want to tell the truth: if you plan to “sacrifice yourself”, then you can go and fall in love with the avoidant attachment person, otherwise in this relationship, you will be a little in love Can’t taste the sweetness. Maybe when you are together, two people are holding hands and saying that I love you so much, but once separated, the avoidant attachment person will immediately get into their own small world and chat with you very perfunctorily, without feelings, and indifferent. If you don’t even reply to messages or answer the phone, you will keep wondering if he doesn’t love me anymore, or if he wants to break up with me. But when you meet again, you will be as good as a person again. The longer the time, the more often, your emotions will really collapse. “I am used to it by myself. It is difficult to get used to the life of two people in a short time (I want to escape in this relationship at any time)” “I need my own private space (you come when I need you, I don’t need you Please don’t bother me when you’re in love)” “I don’t like other people clinging to me (I think it’s troublesome)” To be honest, in the eyes of avoidant attachment people, there is a problem with the relationship, and all they think about is escape. It’s never a face-to-face solution. Of course, if the avoidant attachment person you like has discovered the problem and is actively changing, then it’s okay to fall in love. I’m afraid that he is unwilling to change it, otherwise it will be nothing for you. Booting is also useless. I have seen some respondents confuse avoidant attachment and avoidant personality. How can I say that they are like twins. They look very similar or even the same at first glance, but you will still find that there are subtleties after carefully distinguishing them. difference. Avoidant personality disorder (avoidant personality disorder) is also known as avoidant personality disorder. The biggest characteristics of people with this type of personality disorder are behavioral withdrawal and psychological inferiority. Especially in the face of major issues and challenges, they will adopt an evasive attitude, and may even give up directly because they feel incapable of responding. (From Baidu Encyclopedia) According to research results, people with avoidant personality disorder also have a great sense of social uneasiness-often because of timidity and shyness when they need a lot of contact with others. There are two stages of this kind of people-avoiding interpersonal relationships / unconditionally accepting any opinions. Although they will also have a certain amount of social interaction in their lives, it is difficult for you to walk into their hearts, or it will take a very long time for you to be accepted by them. Because they are extremely sensitive, it is difficult for them to have in-depth emotional communication with others, even lovers. According to research by psychologists, one of the most typical characteristics of patients with avoidant personality disorder is that they are unwilling to stand in the spotlight, do not like to be in the limelight, and will be ashamed of trivial things. Changing routine events is also very easy for them to cause anxiety, anxiety, and fear. Avoidant attachment personality (lithromantic) is a type of avoidant personality disorder. The performance of avoidant attachment personality is: before the intimate behavior, there will be resistance, resistance, and avoidance. The avoidant attachment personality is a certain fear of intimacy, or that they will not deal with the close distance with their lovers. Once they find that they are uncomfortable in this relationship, their first idea is not how to change, but want to escape quickly, which is very similar-as long as I run fast, uncomfortable, they can’t keep up with me . The avoidant attachment personality is more derived from the original family, such as parents divorced when they were young, left-behind children, and often fostered by their parents in relatives’ homes. Because these experiences directly lead to their fear of being abandoned, they will keep themselves independent and not rely on others, even if this behavior makes them involuntarily suppress their own feelings. The avoidant attachment personality is not direct in the attitude and expression of feelings, and they are accustomed to setting up a psychological defense line for themselves. Although they are similar, they are not exactly the same. What I said next-how to fall in love with avoidant attachment is based on the fact that the other person is also healing himself. If the other person refuses to get out of avoidant attachment, unless you are a Virgin, I advise you to get it. 1. Learn to understand and not expect to be serious. Avoidant personality is a kind of mental illness. Since it is a kind of illness, then you have to be tolerant and understanding enough for the patient. If you want to heal this kind of person, then you must be prepared for a “long-term battle”, and you must have a certain degree of psychological preparation. They are most likely to go back and forth again, maybe you just feel that he seems to be better. , It didn’t take long to return to the previous state. In the process of getting along with them, you will definitely feel tired, painful, disappointed and emotionally dissatisfied, so in addition to guiding him, you must continue to encourage yourself. So in this process, you must not blindly obey him because you love him, but you need to tell the other person what you feel and how you want the other person to do it, but this cannot be an order or accusation. You must know to change this. Things are an uncomfortable thing for anyone, especially for people like them. At the same time, you have to learn not to expect, or not to expect in a short period of time. The change of avoidant personality is really long, and it can even be calculated in years, so you should not expect the other party to be like a normal person in a short period of time. You fall in love. You can only circle the other person’s comfort zone first, and let him be a “normal person” in this comfort zone. 2. Help him to resolve. Although I mentioned that some avoidant personalities are caused by the native family, there are still many times when their avoidance may only be due to the high pressure at work, such as a large amount of tasks and colleagues. Uncomfortable getting along, the boss is stupid… When his heart is full of negative emotions, even if there is a little problem between you, he will want to escape. So you need to give him time to resolve, or help him resolve negative emotions regularly, so that he can form a good habit of adjusting himself regularly. For example, exercising, playing games, eating and drinking, and venting rooms are all good choices. At the same time, we can also communicate with the lover. When he feels that he is under a lot of pressure and wants to be alone, he can give you a reminder. Then no matter how much you want to get angry and quarrel, you must pause your emotions. , When the two people calm down, then communicate. The purpose of this is that the avoidant personality can clearly realize that it is comfortable and safe to be with you. You can also understand his problem. After a long time, he will not run away as long as there is a small problem. 3. People who try to become “mothers” with avoidant personality will fall in love with someone, but they really haven’t learned how to love someone properly, just like a baby who wants to eat when he is hungry. Haven’t learned how to hold chopsticks, you must slowly guide and teach the other person. Although such people are relatively easy to get along with in life, in fact their self-defense mechanism is very serious. So at this time, you need to provide him with continuous and stable emotional support like your mother, let him feel that you can understand his pain, you will always be by his side, and slowly let him understand the relationship and your Generate confidence. The most fundamental reason for avoidant personality is that the other party will abandon them, so as long as we solve this problem, they will naturally get better. When you find that the other person is in a bad state, you can hug him and tell him: I love you very much, and I will always love you and stay with you. At the same time, he was given enough time and space to adjust himself, without forcing or forcing him. 4. Imitating the safety personality The best way to completely get out of the avoidant personality is to imitate the safety personality first. Safe personality will not avoid the closeness of others when getting along with others. At the same time, their inner emotions are relatively calm, and they will not avoid problems or their lovers. In daily dealings, if there is a problem with a loved one or a colleague or friend, they will always actively help. For lovers with avoidant personality, when they have difficulties in life and want your comfort, please remember to hug them. When he needs your presence and wants to rely on you, you should give him a generous amount in time. Warm arms. You need to talk to your lover often, and heal his injured heart when encountering difficulties. In this way, you are a good safe base and the other party will truly trust you in their hearts. In short, it is a long-term journey that requires time, patience, and understanding to get along with people who are avoidant attachments. I wish you success.

5 months ago

Inseparability depends on whether you can tolerate a long period of “single love” and often questioning yourself “Is he not in love with me?” Let’s find out through a movie about those who fall in love with avoidant attachments Feel. The heroine of the movie “500 Days with Summer” is an avoidant attachment. She looks sweet, has a cheerful personality, and has a charming smile. She is regarded as a goddess by almost all men. The protagonist Tom enthusiastically pursues Summer, and Summer also likes Tom very much. However, before the relationship is determined, Shamo’s love is uncertain: when they are in good condition, they stick together every day and enjoy the intimacy of the flesh, but they just don’t recognize the love relationship. Summer will also open up with Tom, sharing stories that he has not told anyone, as if they have no secrets. However, once the male protagonist wants to confirm the relationship, Summer will shrink back: “No, I like you, but I don’t want a romantic relationship.” After confirming the relationship, it is still unstable: once they feel that they can’t get along, Summer will break up:” We stop dating, are you too surprised?” When Tom wants to get closer to Summer, Summer will also say: “You stay away from me, it’s uncomfortable to get too close.” This movie reflects the avoidance type very well. The emotional characteristics of attachment. Indifferent and avoiding intimacy: “Even if you love you, don’t get too close” If you leave, your emotions are changeable: “I will love you for a while, but will not love you for a while” Habitual self-protection: “Let’s break up”, “I don’t love When you are in love with them, you are likely to often question yourself “Did he not love me?”, “Did I do something wrong?” … After understanding the characteristics of avoidant attachment, what if Can’t make a judgment yet, today we’re here to get a good understanding of the psychology of avoidant attachments and how to get along with them. We will talk about the following three questions. Question 1: Is the indifference of avoidant attachment people really not loving you? Question 2: Can avoidant attachment be changed? Question 3: How to get along with avoidant attachments? Does the indifference of avoidant addicts really don’t love you? Psychologist Bartholomew (Bartholomew) proposed that a person’s attachment mode is mainly determined by two propositions: 1. Do I deserve to be loved? (Self-worth identity) 2. Is others worthy of trust? (Identification of the value of others) Attachment avoiders are often troubled by the second proposition. In their past experiences, they find that love and people are not worth trusting, and that a person is the safest state. That is, for the attachment avoider, self-worth is high, but the value of others is low. For feelings, they don’t want to love, but they dare not love. They feel that once they enter a certain relationship, they will eventually be scarred, and it is better to retreat sooner rather than getting scarred all over. Therefore, they will have the belief that “I don’t need others” and use “indifference” as self-protection. But is it really unnecessary inside? Not necessarily. Just like Summer, she actually longs for intimacy, so she can’t help getting close to Tom, telling each other her secrets, and enjoying those happy and beautiful moments… Research has also found that attachment avoiders are loyal to the relationship. “Often very sensitive. On the surface, they pretend not to care, and sometimes they are bothered, but in their hearts they can’t bear the slightest betrayal; these small details are enough to show that they desire a beautiful relationship in their hearts, but they just pretend not to care. Therefore, it is not that they do not love, they are just using indifference to protect themselves from harm. Can avoidant attachment be changed? Tell a true story. In college, a particularly good male classmate in the class was a typical attachment avoidance. He once made up his mind to be a bachelor for a lifetime and never fall in love. But a school girl in the club fell in love with him and confessed to him. He refused, but he actually liked the school girl a little bit in his heart, but he didn’t have the courage. Afterwards, it was probably because the girl was too hard-working and never left. She was really good. The barriers in the boys’ hearts were slowly broken, and she tried to get closer, and finally got together before graduation. Now they have been married for more than two years and their relationship has been very good. Therefore, avoidant attachment can be changed, but the process is really difficult. Psychologists have exploded this contradiction in a bloody way, telling us: if your partner is an attachment avoider, you can only break the barrier and bravely break into the other’s heart until he can trust you and believe in love. Of course, this kind of adventurous action takes a lot of risks. If it succeeds, it will heal a distrustful heart; if it fails, it will only strengthen the distrust of the other party. But if you keep your distance, don’t break the barriers, and don’t make any promises, Ta’s avoidance will still come suddenly. So this requires us to maintain a strong heart when we are in a relationship with avoidant attachments, not to be shaken by the other’s indifference and detached feedback, but to provide stable acceptance and support: when the other party is indifferent and wants to avoid, we He needs to make him feel that we are always by his side. When he breaks up, we may have to show “I understand your fear, but I love you, may you accept your fear”…… How to Get along with avoidant attachments? If you are determined and willing to take the risk to break the self-protective indifference of avoidant attachments, then you need to do the following three points: 1. Open your heart actively and learn to listen and communicate is often the first step in breaking distrust, attachment Avoiders often have no sense of security in the relationship. If someone can provide a safe communication environment and openly talk to him, perhaps the first line of defense in his heart will slowly open. In addition, it is difficult for attachment avoiders to express their inner feelings. They are often not listened to when they grow up. Over time, they will find it useless to talk, so they learn to digest their emotions by themselves. But if their occasional revealing can be listened to, their trust will be greatly enhanced. 2. Overcome the inner imbalance, take the initiative to fall in love with the attachment avoider, and often fall into a kind of exhaustion of “why always I take the initiative”, feel that the other party is always passive, and oneself always pays too much. One side. But it is probably the biggest test in the relationship. After all, there is a barrier in the heart of the person you love that you need to break. But believe that when he starts to trust you, the relationship will gradually become more balanced. Therefore, as a partner of an attachment avoider, there is always a strong heart. 3. Create opportunities and establish commitments (on the basis of the first two steps). For attachment avoiders, the most feared thing is commitment. This promise does not necessarily refer to marriage, but may be the further development of the relationship. For example, they just want to be ambiguous, but they don’t want to confirm their relationship; or they just like physical intimate contact and don’t want spiritual restraint. But we also said in the previous article that if the partner has not made any promises, the attachment avoider will eventually be in this contradiction, lose trust, and eventually leave. Therefore, if you have been able to do the first two steps, then the third step requires courage to step out, even if it may scare the opponent away, you also need to be brave to try. If Ta is really the right person, this step of the test will always pass. Finally, I would like to say: if you have the courage to interact with avoidant attachments, you are willing to bear their indifference, get away with them, gain their trust with love and companionship, and take the risk of failure. This may not be a good attempt. Perhaps you can harvest someone who truly loves you. If you feel too tired and too difficult to interact with them, it might not be a good choice to give up and leave. No matter what, I wish you happiness~

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