In the development process of children, most children will be “fear of losing” and “want to be the first” situation. First of all, we must make it clear that this kind of situation in children is the only way for the development of “self-awareness”. Parents do not need to be too anxious, just treat it with a normal mind. In our community, there are often fan mothers sharing these situations with me, such as: Budding, my two children, they got along well before. Recently, my brother and brother played games together, and my brother would cry every time he lost. “I don’t want to lose, I don’t want to lose”, how should I guide this situation? Of course, there is also this: children always want to be the first, whether it is studying in kindergarten or playing games with friends, if they are not the first, they will lose their temper and rush to ask others to give themselves first; children always I look forward to praise, and I am afraid that people around me will not praise myself. If anyone criticizes one more sentence and points out the bad things in the work, there will be anger, refusal to communicate, and other behaviors. What kind of psychology is the child “can’t afford to lose”, or “fear of losing”? How can parents guide them to make their children more courageous to accept denials and challenges? Next, let’s talk together. 01 The reason behind not being able to lose is the development of “self-awareness”. In fact, behind the fact that children cannot afford to lose is the development of “self-awareness”. With the development of children’s social and emotional abilities, at about 15 to 24 months, children begin to realize that they are different from those around them, and they also begin to understand the operating rules of the surrounding environment. Only then will the children begin to form a “self”. Awareness” and gradually produce “self-evaluation” based on self-awareness. Most of this whole process will be completed between 2 to 4 years old. For a child who is just beginning to realize himself, the process of observing, understanding and evaluating himself is complicated and confusing. First of all, children will feel that they can do everything and think that they are the best, and children will also look forward to the evaluation of themselves by adults, because children need to consolidate their own evaluations based on these evaluations. From a psychological point of view, after the appearance of self-evaluation, children’s emotions will start to become complicated. In addition to the most basic emotions, embarrassment, jealousy, guilt, pride, shame and other emotions. Children’s “competitiveness”, “can’t afford to lose”, and “must be first” often occur at this stage. To some extent, this is the only way for children to grow up. 02 Most “cannot afford to lose” can transition naturally. Before we guide our children to overcome the mentality of being unable to lose, we must first understand that most “cannot afford to lose” can transition naturally, because children The phenomenon of “can’t afford to lose” due to “self-awareness” is temporary. After two years of age, the child will have another kind of consciousness that is balanced with the “self-awareness”, which is the “other consciousness”. Children will gradually discover that this world is not only my own, but also needs to cooperate with others, communicate with others, and sometimes need to adjust their mentality and practices to cooperate with others. For children, the coexistence of self-consciousness and the consciousness of others constitutes a complete puzzle. They will learn how to look at cooperation and competition, and winning or losing is also part of cooperation and competition. 03 Parents’ attitude towards winning or losing affects their children’s attitudes. If a child “cannot afford to lose” every time, then what we have to consider is whether the child’s reference mark is abnormal when faced with winning or losing. One thing we need to pay attention to here is that, unlike self-consciousness, many contents in the consciousness of others, such as the appearance of altruistic behavior, are learned by children through social imitation. In other words, children will use the feedback and behavior of adults as a reference for self and others. Try to recall, when the child cries and yells “Don’t lose”, how do we respond? Generally speaking, there are two most common types of negative feedback: one is direct compliment, “Where is the loss, let me see, my baby is the best”-this is one-sided exaggeration of the fact; or expressing frustration, “Oh, it’s a pity, I almost won by a little bit”-this is an excessive negative emotion mapping. In fact, these two methods tend to be biased in the study of social imitation. When we ignore the objective reality, one-sidedly exaggerate the performance of the child, or treat it negatively, it is not easy to help the child establish a comprehensive self-understanding, let alone help the child to distinguish the true evaluation of others. Slowly, children will become overly “dependent” on the expressions, words and attitudes of the people around them. The most obvious thing is that the children will pay attention to their parents’ faces, and will judge whether they are good or not according to their faces. OK”. When a child’s inner value is not enough to support himself to form a good self-awareness, the child may feel inferior, withdrawn, wandering, and timid. This is a common “escape” performance; some children will be the opposite and become competitive. , You need to use the affirmation and compliment of others to find your own sense of value, as if only by doing your best can you get the likes and recognition of others. Therefore, how we ourselves think about winning or losing, and how we think about the ranking of children in games, life, and learning, will have a great impact on children’s mentality when facing winning or losing. 04 Help children understand that the value of hard work is the key to guidance. What we need to remind ourselves is that no matter what activities the child is doing, and no matter what achievements the child can achieve, the first thing we must let the child know is that we can see the child’s hard work. This effort is important and valuable. Sometimes children’s judgments about winning or losing are more inconsistent. For example, the younger brother sometimes has to fight for the order of walking, “Brother walks in front, I walk behind”; sometimes he cares about random results “How did my brother get out of the stone, I lost” ; Sometimes the accounting is faster or slower than the reaction speed, “Brother rushes, don’t elder brother rushes”, these “hearts that want to win” make us feel innocent and helpless, right? But even such a small thing, let children understand the value of hard work. For example, at the beginning of the article, the children played a random boxing game. When Eric lost and cried, the first thing I did was to walk over to hug Eric and tell him, “My brother has made a lot of progress, and when my brother shouted rock-paper-scissors, You quickly got out of the stone, and I see you are actively thinking.” In fact, more important than the answer to the outcome of winning or losing is whether we can see where everyone is working hard in this process. You can use body language to express support for your child, and use the child’s behavior we observe as an entry point to guide your child to pay attention to what they and others are doing in the process. What if the child still cries after listening to our observations and statements? I will continue to emphasize: “My brother has worked hard, but the result is not ideal. How do you think we should deal with it?” We can use open discussions to study problems with our children, and try to follow the clues of the children to find a breakthrough. This process is also what we can do. The most direct support to the child. In fact, my answer is not so methodological, but I hope it can give you a more macro and overall perspective. I will also see that sometimes my brother runs faster, my brother will say “I lost, my brother runs faster than me”, but sometimes full of fighting spirit, “Brother, you run first, I will chase you La”, these are all normal behaviors. The phenomenon of “Can’t afford to lose” is just a very small and very small dimension in the behavior of children. It will repeat and grow. We don’t need to artificially magnify the possible negative effects of “fear of losing” on children, or label children “competitive” and “saving face”. Only if we accept that “cannot lose” is a normal thing, we can help our children accumulate enough energy step by step to better face the evaluation of ourselves and others. Finally, only when children can jump out and look at the results of winning or losing, they will know how to keep a normal heart.


By zhiwo

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5 months ago

Here are a few scenes. 1 | When a few children played poker together when they were young, if the cards in their hands were not good, or there was a hand of cards left in the end of the game, someone would always throw the cards into the pile of cards and mix them up. Together, I lost my temper and said, “It’s boring, I won’t play anymore!” 2 | In the Korean movie “I will see you now”, mother Sooah played games with her son when she lost her memory, and she mercilessly spanked her son to pee. Angrily yelled, “One more time!” It can be said that a child’s eagerness is inherent, even when he grows up, it is a human instinct. What parents need to train their children is not to care about winning or losing, but to be able to “recognize that they have lost” and the ability to “recognize that others have won”. So, what should an adult do when facing a child who often “cannot afford to lose” in your eyes and who is furious if not as good as others? In fact, it is-let the child seriously “lose”. > American Education: All of us are winners. Whether it is watching American TV shows or real exposure to Western education, you will find that Americans seldom compare their children with others, and always encourage their children to compare themselves with themselves. Participate in a competition and you will find that everyone has a prize. This looks pretty good. Everyone is a winner. Just be happy. But think about it, if everyone can get a medal, is it meaningful? It might as well be renamed to Talent Contest. Why is this bad? Because it’s too false, just as the subject worries about. Michelin Moore, a well-known American education blogger, has expressed his opinion that this kind of social atmosphere is not good. In order to encourage children, American society makes every child think that he is a “winner.” When a child arrives in a real society, it is impossible for everyone to hold him and care about his dreams. If only then did he realize that the real society is “losing and losing”, the harm to him would be even greater. . Family psychology expert Sara Dimerman also said that many parents have misunderstandings about their children’s self-esteem. They think that allowing their children to touch and experience “losing” too early will destroy their self-esteem. But a lot of research has got the opposite result. As the subject of the subject worries: For a long time, she can’t afford to lose in everything outside and can’t stand the blows. The frustration brought about will be more obvious. > Finland’s “International Day of Failure” Finland, which ranks first in quality education, has an “International Day of Failure”. Every year on October 13th, Finns encourage people all over the world to “disclose themselves”, release their inner pressure, and get rid of the fear of failure. They even listed a very detailed “failure guide” on the official website to teach people how to “fail”: 1. Use your own way to fail once. 2. Post your failure on twitter or instagram, post the topic #dayforfailure#, and at the same time share, enjoy to like other friends who have also experienced failure. 3. Buy superb ingredients, study the recipe carefully, when everything is ready, burn all the ingredients, wait until they are cooled, and then eat them. 4. Share your “photo” to instagram. 5. People say that money is not everything. Take advantage of this day and spend a good time. 6. Make an appointment with a boy or girl you like. 7. Search for “failure” on youtube. Remember, no one was to make a “failure” role in the first place, but why are there so many “failure” videos? 8. Share an embarrassing incident you encountered today on Facebook. The more embarrassing thing the better. 9. Please keep this action guide privately. 10. Learn from your failures! This festival was first founded by the entrepreneurial club of Aalto University, a century-old Finnish university. It was only popular in universities at the beginning, and aimed to encourage college students to take courageous risks and actively start their own businesses. Later, more and more people punched in on social media, and slowly, “failures” became popular among the people. Some people laughed at their intemperate eating: “Most schools only teach children to avoid failure. They must succeed, but they never thought about it. Success and failure are never opposed.” Paasi Sahlberg, director of the International Exchange Center of the Ministry of Culture and Education of Finland, believes that this holiday is to Reiterate to people: Failure is part of innovation, and it should not be negative. Elina Uutela, Chairman of the Entrepreneurship Society of Aalto University, replied: “The most interesting thing is often not success itself, but the hard growth and transformation on the road to success.” Children like Finland generally learn to ski from the age of 4 or 5, and they The first ski lesson was to practice falling. Children need to understand: Falling is the most normal thing. In this process, the children not only mastered the correct posture for getting up after a fall, but also learned a lesson that is very precious to the whole life-life is like skiing, full of accidents and frustrations, falling is normal, as long as you are brave Get up and it’s fine. Another impressive rule is that when children in some cities in Finland go to preschool, they must complete a “self-assessment form”-a picture with a train drawn, and each car represents a kind of ability, such as ” I will help others”, “I know how to ask for help” and so on. If the child can do it, paint the train red. If it can’t, paint blue. Red and blue train map) One of the “cars” is “I know how to win”. What is knowing how to win? The definition of a Finnish teacher is not blindly self-confident or feel that oneself is better than others, knowing one’s own shortcomings, and knowing that victory can not be proud-this is “knowing how to win”. This will not only not dampen the children’s self-confidence, but also teach them to always be calm about success or failure. The “failure education” in Finland should inspire many parents on how to cultivate their children’s ability to resist frustration. Some time ago, Mr. Academy wrote a Nexflix 9.2-point sports documentary “Falling Feather”. The protagonist is the story of how a group of “failed” athletes came home. There is a sentence in it that the academy gentleman thinks can be told to the children: “I think we are very wrong. Everything in this society is about winning and winning. I think some of the so-called’winners’ are the biggest losers in the world; And for those so-called “losers”, some of them are the greatest winners.” People’s ambitions make it difficult for children to ignore gains and losses. But if parents guide their children to look at failure from a different perspective and gain something from failure, perhaps the world will suddenly open up.

5 months ago

If you ask a 4-year-old child whether he likes to play with his parents or his children, it is estimated that most children of this age will choose their parents, because when playing with their parents, the children often win, but not with the children. . When children win, they feel that they are in a dominant position in the game, and thus have a stronger interest in the game. But not all the desires to win, like children in the early childhood, can transition naturally. For example, one of my classmates in junior high school had been among the best in grades since childhood, but suddenly dropped out of school when he was in the second year of high school. When she was in junior high school, she did very well, but for other classmates who had a competitive relationship with her, once they found out that others could do more than her, she tried every means to interfere, and even ridiculed her. After the high school entrance examination, another girl and I went to a high school in the provincial capital. Her grades were a little worse, and she stayed in a key middle school in the county seat. It is said that she had been at home for several days. When I arrived in high school, I found wave after wave of classmates who were better than her, and the psychological pressure was increasing. In the end, she often held a small mirror to secretly supervise her classmates with better grades. It is conceivable that all my thoughts are spent on others, and my own grades are naturally not well taken care of. In the end, she became more psychologically unbearable and abnormal behavior appeared, and her parents suspended her from school. It was just an unsatisfactory test score, but he was deeply trapped in his desire to win and was unable to extricate himself, and since then embarked on a different path in life. Sometimes I think about it, I really feel sorry for her. Children who can’t afford to lose are often domineering, and they think it is important to win or direct other talents. Just like in the movie “You are a young man,” Wei Lai, a well-behaved top student, ends up being a perpetrator of school violence. I want to say three points 1. The attitude of parents is very important. The attitude of parents towards winning or losing affects the attitude of their children. If parents are too concerned about the result of winning or losing, their children will think that only winning is good and worthy of praise. First of all, we must understand that whether the child is disappointed, sad, angry, or excited, happy, or proud when facing the result, these are all normal emotions. Parents only need to listen to their children and help them learn to express their emotions. There is no need to over praise, let alone suppress derogation, no need to put various labels on them, and no need to give feedback on everything through rewards. If we win, we can share the joy with our children and say with satisfaction, “Congratulations, baby, you must be very happy for yourself.” If you lose, you can allow the children to lose, affirm their efforts, hug the children and say, “Baby , You can hold on to the end, it’s really great. Mom is proud of you.” 2. Guide your children to pay attention to the fun of games. In the picture book “Sally Who Can’t Lose”, Sally is a child who likes to be the number one in everything. , But in the football game, Sally is very bossy and domineering with her teammates because she wants to win too much. In the end, everyone didn’t want to play with Sally again. Only Sally was left on the playground. The classmates even gave her the nickname “Sally Can’t Lose”. Mom saw Sally’s loss, and she told Sally: “If you lose in the game, I hope you take a deep breath and slowly say to yourself: Having fun is winning.” Like Sally’s mother , Parents can guide their children to pay attention to the fun of the game itself in the course of the game on weekdays, or in the process of talking with their children. The result of winning or losing is not all. 3. Show the children the correct sportsmanship. In “Sally Who Can’t Lose”, it is Mr. Taylor that helps Sally except her mother. He told Sally that it is normal to feel disappointed when losing. What we have to do is to do our best and have fun, and also teach Sally to know the sportsmanship. The picture book uses plain language to tell children the sportsmanship of respect, consideration, and tolerance, and also emphasizes observing the rules, controlling emotions, and working hard. In life, parents can tell their children the moving stories of sports and sports people, and teach them how to face failures and setbacks, and how to persevere. For example, “Do you know what Los Angeles is like at four in the morning?” Parents can also try to be good spectators and learn to cheer every child in the game, not just their own children. Because no one is the protagonist forever. Parents can also teach their children to express gratitude, because victory is not only dependent on personal strength, but also on the help of others. James A. Baldwin said: “Children never listen well to the teachings of their elders, but they will always imitate their elders.” Children are a mirror of their parents, and parents are their best role models.

5 months ago

One day, accompanied a friend to participate in her 6-year-old son’s talent contest. When the little guy came down from the stage, he was very satisfied with his performance, but when the ranking was announced without him, the child froze for a few seconds before bursting into tears. The people around came to comfort him: “Children, don’t be sad. I didn’t win the prize this time. Just work hard next time.” The child stomped and cried and said, “I don’t want the next time, I will win this time!” My friend shook his head with me and said reluctantly that my child cares too much about winning or losing. He usually competes with others when playing games, and even eats faster than others. If he doesn’t get the first place, he will lose his temper. A micro-course student also raised this trouble with me before. Her daughter was at home and asked herself to be the first to go up the stairs and change shoes first. No one could be faster than her. Even playing the game of the police catching the thief, the daughter designated her mother as a thief, and ordered her mother to “stay in place,” and stood quietly waiting for her to catch it. It turns out that the daughter’s kindergarten often encourages children to compete for first place. There are even “first place in drinking water,” “first place in sleep,” “first place in collecting toys,” and so on, forming a child’s eagerness to win. Have you noticed it? In fact, in many cases, children have no concept of winning or losing, but adults will consciously or unconsciously encourage children to be the best and be the first. Over time, children develop a mentality of winning everything and they are unwilling to accept their own comparison. But others. In order to comfort the child who cried because of failure, some adults will help the child find reasons, such as: “You are not in a good condition today, otherwise you will definitely win.” Such an over-protection of the child will only make the child worse. The more and more they dare not face failure, and the less and less dare to face competition. 1. Children who cannot afford to lose will not be able to win in the future. Children who cannot accept failure are prone to serious frustration and even psychological problems when they encounter problems. Xiaojie, a primary school student in Yuyao, Zhejiang, has been class leader for three consecutive years with excellent grades. However, he failed in the third grade final exam. Many students were more willing to support another student with good grades when they were running for class monitor in the fourth grade. Xiaojie, who had a winning ticket, lost the election. After losing the election, Xiaojie was very disappointed. He had a temper at home, refused to go to school, and even went on a hunger strike. In desperation, the parents took their children to see a psychologist. The doctor analyzed that the root of Xiaojie’s problem was that he could not accept setbacks and refused to admit that other classmates were better. Under the intervention of the psychiatrist, Xiaojie finally agreed to transfer, but the price in exchange was that he dropped out of school for a year. If you hold the mentality of “I must win” in everything, you will not be able to accept the fact that you have failed and choose to escape reality. Can’t afford to lose now, and never win in the future. 2. The mentality of “can afford to lose” is the first to have the potential to win. Before watching “The Strongest Brain”, a child named Hu Yuxuan was impressive. Compared with other children’s hesitation and satisfaction, Hu Yuxuan appeared to be very “Buddha” and told the host that he was only ranked 29th in the international competition. The host jokingly asked him: “Then what are you doing?” Hu Yuxuan thought for a while, and answered calmly: “Fighting soy sauce.” Next he faced the world’s number one Japanese player Mori Nishi. When talking about his opponent, Kenta Sensi said that Hu Yuxuan was just a child in his eyes. Despite being despised by his opponents, Hu Yuxuan still took the challenge seriously and was not affected by his opponent’s words. In the situation of losing two games in a row, Hu Yuxuan still dealt with it calmly, chasing two games in a row to tie the score. In the end, the 29th in the world defeated the number one in the world and won the game. With the capital to win the game, but the mentality of being more able to lose the game, such a child will not be bad in the future. 3. Whether children can “afford to lose” is the key to what parents do. 1. Parents’ attitude determines their children’s vision. Many children who care too much about winning or losing are missing a parent who tells them to treat with a normal heart regardless of whether they lose or lose. . Many parents themselves are afraid of their children’s failures and report high expectations to their children, causing their children to live under tremendous pressure, and they increasingly think that failure is a terrible thing. This year, Xu Jiayu, a science champion in Zhejiang Province, got a high score of 720. His father posted a circle of friends: “The champion is affirmation of the previous 12 years of hard work, but the champion is just a false name. The world is beautiful, and the beauty is nature; Flowing water does not fight for the first place, but the fight is endless.” In the face of proud achievements, this dad told his children not to be complacent about winning honors, not to give up because of temporary defeats, and to go into battle with a calm mind. Don’t be surprised by all the possibilities of life. 2. It doesn’t matter if you encounter setbacks. Your parents are your solid backing. It is not terrible to encounter failure. The terrible thing is that no one will stand by your side and accompany you to face it together. A friend told a story about her son: the kindergarten teacher selected her son to participate in a story-telling contest. The son was very excited and prepared for the contest seriously. He pulled his mother to practice with him every day. On the day of the competition, his son felt he was performing well, but when the results of the competition were announced, he was not on the list of winners. The son felt sad and said over and over again, “I have prepared so well, how could I lose?” He also asked his mother to take him to the scene to watch the red list released to see if he was missed. My friend’s practice was very good at the time. She took her son in her arms and looked at the child seriously and said, “You must be sad if you didn’t win the prize. But no matter what the outcome is, you are a good child of your mother. All the results, Mom will accompany you to bear it. It doesn’t matter if you lose once, mom will accompany you, and we will continue to work hard next time.” After hearing these words, the child’s emotions quickly eased. Because he understands that no matter what the situation, he will not lose the love of his mother because he loses the game. No matter what kind of failure, his mother will accompany him to face it, so the failure doesn’t seem so terrible. 3. Let the child get used to losing and winning. When the daughter is young, the nanny aunt will play games with her, often secretly letting her win and making her happy. Once I saw it, I stepped forward and said to my aunt, “Don’t let her, it’s okay. Children should know that playing games means winning and losing. It’s normal to lose.” Many parents are also building blocks, playing checkers and other games. Zhong deliberately lost to the child, and then praised “the baby is so amazing.” In this way, the child will only win but not lose, and always live in false glory. When they enter society in the future and face real competition, it will be difficult for them to accept that they lose to others. Instead of this, it is better for children to understand the rules of winning or losing from an early age. Losing or losing is nothing but a result. Victory or defeat is commonplace in the military, and the most important thing is the process of hard work. 4. Affirm the children’s efforts. In the variety show “Mom is Superman”, the 5-year-old Da Linzi is always at a disadvantage in the boxing match. He has been knocked to the ground many times by his opponents, but the little guy is still reluctant to get up again and again to challenge . It is a pity that after three rounds, Da Linzi still lost without any suspense. He hid in the arms of his mother Deng Sha with a frustrated expression, as if he was about to cry. Deng Sha praised the child at the time and said: “Mom thinks you are already amazing, and you will stick to it even if you are knocked down. Mom is really proud of you!” After hearing these words, Da Linzi’s mood gradually improved. Although the child loses the game, there is definitely something to do better. Parents should give affirmation to the child in time, let the child know his progress in the game, help the child re-establish self-confidence, and encourage the child to continue working hard next time. We bring children into this world in order to let them have different experiences and different scenery. Therefore, no matter the joy of victory or the bitterness of defeat, they should be allowed to taste it. When the child fails next time, parents can tell them that life is about winning and losing, and winning or losing is only a small part of life. After working hard, being ashamed of your heart is the best gift for yourself.

5 months ago

What just happened. There are classes now, and I will continue writing later. Let me start with the conclusion: the child needs to use two fists to make a big blow, one fist is called success, and the other is called failure. The more the two fists hit, the stronger the child becomes, and the more they hit, the stronger they grow. The previous is the beginning of this article, it has been published for two days, now I will continue writing. Success is good, but we must also understand that success can also defeat people. For example, a child who often wins the first place will feel a blow when he gets the third place; if he gets the fifth place, he may collapse, and it is very possible to cry. At this time, success has become a burden and burden for the child. What just happened at the beginning of this article is that a child who won the first place cried and made a lot of frustration when he was frustrated. The family said that he had never cried like this before, and said that he was hysterical. He also tore his books and threw books. Throwing all over the floor, crying and yelling that he would never study again. I am a tutor, and deal with it coldly and let him “freely play” to vent his negative emotions. This negative emotion is also a harmful substance. How can it be kept in the child’s body without venting it? It is also the child’s own business to vent negative emotions. Let the children experience, experience, and do their own things. At this moment, it is a good opportunity for children to bear the double blow of success and failure. This kind of opportunity is hard to come by. I definitely won’t be a firefighter. It means that I am helping the child to pass the level, not the child himself. The effects of the two are quite different. Everyone has emotions, and they will go away in a while. If you can’t figure it out, calm down for three minutes. This child cherishes his feathers very much. After more than ten minutes of crying and making a fuss, it gradually subsided, so I sobbed while tidying up my torn notebook, because there are many high scores I gave, all of which are 5000 points. There are a lot of 5000+ too! I saw this detail in my eyes, and I knew it in my mind: this is also the gripper for training this child in the future. The child sorted out the torn book while sobbing, and I began to speak slowly. I said you put the book in order, I will help you pick up the book on the floor and put it on the table, and then you put the book away by yourself. Empathy. guide. The child nodded while sorting the order in the book while sobbing. While picking up the book on the floor, I asked the child: “Is it stressful to be the first?” The child nodded twice. I said, “Look, the first place has become your burden.” The next day, that is, yesterday, the child asked me: “The first place is a burden. Will you still be the first in the test after that?” Said: “Of course you must strive for the first place in the exam! Just treat it correctly! The first place in the exam can only show that you have learned well before, and performed well in this exam. After passing the exam, it will pass. It’s all in the past. In the future, continue to work hard as before, continue to leave no regrets, just don’t do it! Even if it’s the third and fifth place next time, what about it? Taste the taste of third and fifth place That’s okay! It’s okay to reflect on and find the reason for the loss and eliminate it! These are all your own personal experiences and are precious!” I see that the child is in a good mood, so I took the opportunity to wound the child. Put salt on it to make the child hurt, so as to consolidate the effect of the child personally overcoming negative emotions the day before. Anyway, such an opportunity, I will certainly not let it go easily, I have to squeeze the oil and water in this matter. Don’t avoid conflicts. When a problem arises, it is a good time to solve the problem. The child has a callus on his hands and blisters on his feet, which shows that the child’s hands and feet have been exercised, which is a good thing. Amidst the laughter, I also took the opportunity to let this second-grade child learn these languages: what is called crying, what is called crying, or howling, what is not growing up without a thing, and what is called eating a long way? Yizhi, wait and so on. Children who often get the first place have other negative effects. Parents should be good at seizing opportunities to eliminate all related negative effects. This is definitely beneficial to the growth of children. I will find time later and talk about how to train children who can’t afford to lose. This is my personal experience. I think it’s better to put “Can’t afford to win” and “Can’t afford to lose” in one article. Written in Wuhan on November 12, 2019, and continued on May 5, 2020: I have just returned to Wuhan and continue to write this answer. Children who cannot afford to lose are roughly divided into two situations or three situations. One is that children who always win can easily fail to lose. Just like the kid mentioned earlier. Second, children who always lose are particularly afraid of losing. These children, along the way, step by step, have a very poor comprehensive foundation, and their self-confidence, and even self-esteem, are severely damaged. Such children are very pitiful, and have long been used by classmates, teachers, and even their parents and surrounding parents. , Using verbal violence, day by day, month by month, year by year, living in an atmosphere of contempt, contempt, and contempt. He can’t lift his head, often languish, and behave in an awe-inspiring manner. This is also understandable. The young mind is already fragile, how can it withstand such a long and cruel devastation? I am a tutor and have encountered many such examples. Among them is a child, in the second grade of elementary school, with a score of more than 20 in Chinese and mathematics. He is in a prestigious school and everyone dislikes him. The child has been forced to transfer. There is actually a classmate in the class who named him by name in the composition. “Pig teammates”, what is especially puzzling is that the parents of the young author actually posted this composition to the class. By the way, it is not entirely bad for such a child to have such an experience. After training, they will even be better than some children who have consistently good grades! Their strength lies in their psychological quality. They are often invited to the office by teachers and parents are often asked by teachers. They are often in an atmosphere of being despised and despised. They have been tempered for a long time! They are here! Their consistent encounters, you can try it with a child who has been in the top three for a long time, try it once, try it twice, try it three times, and try it! What will be the result? Of course, the premise is to train and meet people who can train. The third is a shameless child who always wants to win. However, they don’t have the strength to win for the time being, and they hope they are clever, and they even hope they are shameless. No matter which situation it belongs to, I always use a simple method to cut into training: let him (her) win! It’s just that we must be good at adjusting training tactics according to the child’s situation, especially according to the child’s specific situation at this moment. In Datong, there are small differences. All kinds of children have all kinds of differences. In the process of training, be good at discovering the bright spots of the child and praise! praise! Praise well-founded! Praise well-founded! We just have to be good at “creating” opportunities to let such children win! We just have to be good at “seizing” opportunities to let such children be affirmed! All of this is based on the fact that he (she) has indeed won! He (she) is indeed 3 seconds faster than last time! what! It’s another 5 seconds! Oh my! Awesome! What we praise is these 3 seconds! That’s 5 seconds! Well-founded! Continuous success, continuous praise, and continuous affirmation together build up children’s self-confidence! The happiness of children always comes first. When the child is happy, the child is happy, the child is willing to participate, and the child actively participates, we have the opportunity to train and the training effect will be good. In the process of training, you must be good at quietly increasing the slope and increasing the difficulty, so that the more and more difficult it is for the child to win, but the child always wins. Or, children always win more. Let the child be in a mental state of wanting to win if he wins, and not admitting to losing if he loses. When the child has reached a certain level of “comprehensive foundation building”, he is full of confidence, and gradually, he will guide the child psychologically, suggest the child, or use the aggressive method to let the child take the initiative to propose and transfer to the normal competition. At that time, many parents really couldn’t compare to their children. The parents were convinced that they lost, and they were very happy to lose. Even after some parents lost to their children, they came to WeChat to thank me, Teacher Wang.

5 months ago

Seeing this problem, I recalled the performance of a little boy on a program this summer. The little boy is very anxious to do things, pursues perfection, and values ​​the results very much. Whenever he encounters difficulties, he will not do it. He will play games with his friends or parents. Once he loses, he will lose his temper. Because of these problems, children cannot go to kindergarten, which also makes their parents very anxious. What are the possible reasons why children cannot afford to lose? 1. Study ahead and focus too much on intellectual development. Transition care about the child’s intellectual development, how many words the child can recognize, how fast the child can calculate maths, so that the child can be ahead of others and become a symbol of the child, and become a symbol of the child’s ability to be outside. The reason to praise him. Ignoring the child’s psychological construction, advanced learning seems to be fast, but fast is not necessarily good for the child. 2. Only when you get the first place can you get attention. The logic of constantly complimenting when your child is outstanding is deeply ingrained, and it will make the child think that he is the one who is praised, and only he is the one who takes the first place. Only when you are stronger than others will you get the attention of others. So this is not an emotional problem. His psychological logic is: I have to be number one, others will pay attention to me, and my advantage is that I am better than others. Active guidance methods 1. Helping the child to recognize himself. In fact, as the child’s brain develops, it helps him to learn cognition according to his characteristics. However, one of the most important aspects of cognition is the knowledge of oneself. Everyone has their own shortcomings and advantages. Mom and Dad accompany their children to get to know themselves, using a piece of paper to write down each person’s strengths and weaknesses. For example, Dad’s shortcomings are: he likes to play with mobile phones and has little company. The advantages are: strong learning ability; the mother’s shortcomings are: anxiety, The advantage is: patience; also allows children to look at themselves, disadvantages: fear (fear of losing, fear that one can not get the first) Advantage: strong curiosity, serious. Write down their respective strengths and weaknesses in this way, help the children to recognize themselves and tell them that moms and dads will not dislike Ta because their children do not take the first place, and they will not dislike Ta because of their shortcomings. 2. Let children experience the meaning of bravery, cooperation and hard work through games. Mom and dad often take their children to the playground and participate in many group games. We must learn to use games to let children realize the importance of bravery, cooperation and hard work. For example: When a child walks on a swaying stake and walks over a row of swaying stakes, you should praise the child for being brave in time, and let the child know that if you lose, don’t be afraid, and don’t be proud if you win. Mom and Dad accompany their children on boating together, and finally get from one side of the shore to the other. At this time, we have to tell the children, thank you for your cooperation, so that we can go ashore faster, bravely cooperate with others, and we can reach our goals faster. Run with your child, set a goal, and give a reward for running 10 laps. Although the process of running is very tiring, the child may be unable to run after 5 laps and give up. Let the child see the reward hope and tell the child to come for another 5 laps. Can get rewards. After receiving the reward, tell the child that the prize was obtained through his own efforts. It is very difficult for a child who cannot afford to lose to learn to cooperate bravely. Let the child know that it requires constant hard work, and gradually the child can be brave and willing to cooperate with others. Therefore, parents should not worry, they need to keep working hard with their children, and eventually learn to cooperate bravely. 3. Children who can’t lose by switching to positive language like to say some negative words, such as “I’m not good at all”, “I’m definitely not going to win”, “I’m afraid to lose”, parents usually pay attention to what the children say , See how Ta expresses his fear of losing. Replace those negative with positive words. Let the children tell themselves “I can be very strong”, “I have tried and succeeded” and “I will try this.” Of course, parents should also check whether they usually say some negative words, which will affect their children. Parents and children need to make changes together. After all, example is very important. Always, in the guidance of parents, let the children experience the joy of participating in the process, and look down on the final result.

5 months ago

Is there no problem description? Then just talk about it casually. First, it’s instinct to be unwilling to lose if you can’t afford to lose. And to understand the nature of children, this is the first step for educators. Second, if you can’t afford to lose, you don’t want the other party to win. This is because emotional education is not in place. According to many families I have observed, the emotional education of their children is not complete. It’s very simple. In one sentence, “Mom wants to win a game too. Mom is not happy if she loses. What should I do?” If the child can understand each other’s feelings and exchange empathy, it is great. If the child says, “I don’t care, I just want to win, and I don’t care if you are not happy”, then the parents are better off. Third, to put it simply, how to conduct emotional education? In a word: Demonstration + Exchange. Children have no empathy. In most cases, the parents have insufficient empathy, at least it is not obvious. Serving chestnuts. The child broke the vase and lied that it was blown by the wind, what should I do? Criticize, nag, cut? From the perspective of emotional education, at least two sentences should be added. First, “Mom knows that you don’t want to break the vase. You must be very uncomfortable and regretful. Mom made mistakes when she was a child, and she was in a bad mood.” Mother apologizes, so mother wants to see a child who dares to be responsible. If there is one, the mother will be very happy. “One positive and one negative, let the children gradually understand that their feelings are discovered and understood, and the parents also have feelings that need to be discovered by themselves. And understanding, rather than opportunistic use of other wrong methods to deal with. In fact, children are much smarter than we think. As long as the methods are right and the training is enough, they will make progress soon. Of course, I will not improve the level, but through games, role-playing, and competition training, let the children learn the situation of deliberately “losing” to the other party. To give an example, prepare a mysterious gift. Hard work, but not necessarily immediately rewarded, this is also a lesson in emotional and emotional training. If your child secretly gets up in the morning to prepare breakfast for you, that first time may be unforgettable for all parents. Education is also watered today and sprouted tomorrow. Allowance does not necessarily mean you will win right away, you have a chance to win.

5 months ago

First of all, we need to know how the “can’t afford to lose” character is formed? How can we prevent children from being unable to lose? What should we do in the process of children’s growth and education? Why do children act “cannot afford to lose”? 1. The child’s “de-self-centering” process has not yet been completed. Psychological research has found that children’s growth is a process of “self-centering” and “de-self-centering”. Children aged 0-2 are self-centered without self-awareness. Starting from around 2 years old, children begin to develop independent self-awareness. However, due to the lack of objective understanding of external things and themselves, they often show self-centeredness. When you see that others are better than yourself, it becomes difficult to accept. Children’s “de-self-centering” requires a process, in this process, children need parents’ understanding and help. If the child’s “can’t afford to lose” behavior is treated roughly, the child can only feel a deeper sense of frustration, and its improper behavior is also difficult to correct. 2. Parents’ view of winning or losing directly affects the anxiety of their children’s parents: choosing a good school for their children and attending cram schools, lest their children lose out in social competition in the future. If the score of 98 points makes parents anxious, the potential message of “children, you can only win, you can’t lose” will definitely be passed on to the children invisibly. 3. Blindly compare with other people’s children. Is there always a “other people’s child” as you grow up? “How good XX piano is, I have participated in many competitions!” “How polite the children of XX family!” Parents often compare their children with other children consciously or unconsciously. It will deepen the child’s frustration and make the child gradually lose self-confidence; when the child is defeated in the competition and produces frustration, it will inevitably lose his temper, showing that we can’t afford to lose. When encountering a situation where a child can’t afford to lose, how should parents respond to the child in order to really help the child? 1. Listen to the child and allow the child to vent his emotions. First of all, we can try to understand the child. Obviously, the child very much hopes that he can win the game. He has a strong “victory” and every failure brings him frustration, disappointment, Frustration overwhelmed him. Studies have shown that when a frustrated child feels safe, he will start to lose his temper. Parents need to be close to the child, understand the child’s feelings, and allow the child to vent his negative emotions. With the attention of parents, children who lose their temper happily can feel the care of parents again, so as to get rid of worries, become relaxed and willing to cooperate. When we really listen to a child, he will gradually learn to put himself in and understand others, because the child will learn the way we treat him, and he will treat others the same way in the future. 2. Lead by example and accompany your children to grow up slowly. Children are a mirror for parents. If parents care too much about winning or losing in work and life, children will see it in their eyes and remember them in their hearts. Imitation is an important way for children to learn. Therefore, if children want to “afford to lose”, parents need to have a broad mind, not to care about others, and to set a good example for their children. 3. Role play, cultivate children’s empathy. When children make various mistakes because they can’t afford to lose, we shouldn’t be a lesson or reprimand. The important thing is to teach children how to deal with the same situation next time.

5 months ago

Take the recent hot search on Weibo as an example. Holden is a typical can’t afford to lose, but he should have been hopeless, he has been set, facing such a person, just don’t play with him. But our children are still young, and they only need the correct education of their parents to correct them. On July 21, there was a controversial scene in the 2019 World Swimming Championships in Gwangju, South Korea. When Chinese star Sun Yang won the men’s 400-meter freestyle “four consecutive championships”, Australian Horton refused to take a photo with Sun Yang at the award ceremony. I almost forgot that the result of winning or losing is very important for Kote, but more importantly, the attitude of parents and children towards winning or losing. If you want to win, you must not be afraid of losing. Children who can’t afford to lose will easily go to extremes once they lose. Writer Long Yingtai said: “Mediocre is compared with others, and the peace of mind is compared with ourselves. We are ultimately extremely The person in charge is still yourself in the end.” To a certain extent, there is nothing wrong with wanting to win. It can stimulate your fighting spirit and promote your growth. But the wrong thing is that the mentality of “can’t afford to lose” will turn people into a dark corner and obliterate the possibility of restarting. Opponents can surpass, but don’t be jealous. When a child becomes complicated and utilitarian in order to “win,” it is not just simple kindness that is lost. How to make children afford to lose? 1. Don’t compare blindly. I often hear the words that my parents say when they scold their children: “Look at other people’s XXX, how well the Olympiad competition performed…” “from the house next door, I took it again at the New Year’s Day party First place, what about you? Oh…” As everyone knows, just a few words will plant the seeds of inferiority in the children’s young hearts. Never compare the shortcomings of a child to the advantages of others, no one is perfect. This kind of comparison, relying on stinging to bring about running, will inevitably leave psychological harm. My girlfriend once shared some methods with me, and I think it works very well. She said: When we can’t help but want to compare, it’s better to guide the children like this: Although you didn’t paint well this time, mom looks at you very carefully~ and your paintings look more colorful this time; Although the game is lost, the process is still very happy, isn’t it? We didn’t win the prize, but it’s better to ask the winning XXX, how did he do it? We have all been overwhelmed by other people’s children, and this kind of pain should not continue. 2. Letting children face the protection of their failed parents may help them win for a while, but it cannot help them win a lifetime! In “Mom is Superman 3”, the program team arranged for Deng Sha’s son, Da Linzi, to compete with his friends in a boxing championship. In the second round, Da Linzi was exhausted and was knocked down by his friend. Encouraged by his mother, Da Linzi quickly stood up, but in the third round, he was knocked to the ground several times, and finally lost the game completely. Later, Deng Sha said in an interview: “Actually, I knew from the beginning that Da Linzi could not win, because the physical strength of his PK partner was much stronger than him, and he also received relevant training. But I still really want Da Linzi Try it.” Only when you have really faced failure will your child understand that failure is not terrible. 3. Don’t blindly appreciate the child. Appropriate appreciation will increase the courage of the child, but if you praise a child casually, it will make him lose his ability to judge himself. Gradually he can only listen to good things and not be criticized. Not long ago, a friend complained to me about her daughter. It is said that children grow up in praise education, not only praised by family members, but there are also special activities in kindergarten, so that children can praise each other. Slowly, she discovered that the situation was not right, and the child seemed to do everything to get compliments. After entering elementary school, the situation became worse because she couldn’t hear “You are awesome” often. She became disliked the teacher, and she had a strong sense of frustration and rebelliousness. A qualified parent should know how to listen to the plight of the child’s heart, not when you behave well, I will praise you casually. No matter whether the child is successful or not, parents can accept it with heart. This is the best appreciation for the child. 4. Let the children distinguish “when to win” I have a classmate who is an excellent debate contest player. In the debate, she is always the one who is the best. However, she also brought the habit of debate into her life. Every time she talked with someone, she would be speechless before she stopped and said, “I won.” Gradually, her friends became fewer and fewer, and even everyone didn’t want to communicate with her. My child, life is like a competition, but it is not a competition. You don’t need to spend every minute of it in contention. Winning and losing are not completely opposites, but the same goal by different paths. They are both the driving force for progress and can make people better. And every family is a breeding ground for this kind of “power”. As parents, what we should tell our children is: life is a long-distance race, you don’t have to fight day and night; mom and dad will see your dedication and accept your imperfections.

5 months ago

It is very important to cultivate children’s ability to resist frustration! We have to tell children when they face setbacks that setbacks are not so terrible, and failure is not important. Courage and strength are very important qualities. In an environment where children are favored and favored, you can give them only a few small difficulties and cultivate their problem-solving ability. It is also very helpful for some competitive experiences. I think chess is a good representative. It not only allows the child to fight for the championship, but also tells the child to accept failure optimistically, which improves the child’s logical thinking ability and makes the child more courageous and optimistic. A celebrity once said that if I was asked to give my children an ability, I hope it would be optimistic. This is what I expect from my children. You have to work hard on everything, but failure or setback is not a big deal.

5 months ago

There are roughly two kinds of children who can’t afford to lose, one kind is born and the other kind is acquired. The acquired accounted for the overwhelming majority. There are children who can’t afford to lose innately, but not many. Such children are born with excessive self-consciousness. The reason can only be found genetically. They can’t tolerate anyone to divide his sense of center, as long as other children attract the surroundings. The attention in the environment, even if everyone did not pay attention to him for a short time, he was unhappy. In fact, everyone has this personality trait, which is inherited from the animal stage. Each cub of an animal must try its best to attract the attention of the mother animal, so as to ensure access to food and protection. Children who can’t afford to lose are just more prominent in this aspect than other children. For such children, there are no effective countermeasures. All conventional education methods are useful, but the effect is not great. The other kind of children who are in the majority have acquired traits, which are caused by improper care in the infants and toddlers. In the words of the common people, they are spoiled. This is relatively easy to correct. Use proper education and conservation methods to slowly correct it, so that they can realize the fairness of the world. There are many specific ways to deal with it in various educational books, so I won’t copy and paste.

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