In the development process of children, most children will be “fear of losing” and “want to be the first” situation. First of all, we must make it clear that this kind of situation in children is the only way for the development of “self-awareness”. Parents do not need to be too anxious, just treat it with a normal mind. In our community, there are often fan mothers sharing these situations with me, such as: Budding, my two children, they got along well before. Recently, my brother and brother played games together, and my brother would cry every time he lost. “I don’t want to lose, I don’t want to lose”, how should I guide this situation? Of course, there is also this: children always want to be the first, whether it is studying in kindergarten or playing games with friends, if they are not the first, they will lose their temper and rush to ask others to give themselves first; children always I look forward to praise, and I am afraid that people around me will not praise myself. If anyone criticizes one more sentence and points out the bad things in the work, there will be anger, refusal to communicate, and other behaviors. What kind of psychology is the child “can’t afford to lose”, or “fear of losing”? How can parents guide them to make their children more courageous to accept denials and challenges? Next, let’s talk together. 01 The reason behind not being able to lose is the development of “self-awareness”. In fact, behind the fact that children cannot afford to lose is the development of “self-awareness”. With the development of children’s social and emotional abilities, at about 15 to 24 months, children begin to realize that they are different from those around them, and they also begin to understand the operating rules of the surrounding environment. Only then will the children begin to form a “self”. Awareness” and gradually produce “self-evaluation” based on self-awareness. Most of this whole process will be completed between 2 to 4 years old. For a child who is just beginning to realize himself, the process of observing, understanding and evaluating himself is complicated and confusing. First of all, children will feel that they can do everything and think that they are the best, and children will also look forward to the evaluation of themselves by adults, because children need to consolidate their own evaluations based on these evaluations. From a psychological point of view, after the appearance of self-evaluation, children’s emotions will start to become complicated. In addition to the most basic emotions, embarrassment, jealousy, guilt, pride, shame and other emotions. Children’s “competitiveness”, “can’t afford to lose”, and “must be first” often occur at this stage. To some extent, this is the only way for children to grow up. 02 Most “cannot afford to lose” can transition naturally. Before we guide our children to overcome the mentality of being unable to lose, we must first understand that most “cannot afford to lose” can transition naturally, because children The phenomenon of “can’t afford to lose” due to “self-awareness” is temporary. After two years of age, the child will have another kind of consciousness that is balanced with the “self-awareness”, which is the “other consciousness”. Children will gradually discover that this world is not only my own, but also needs to cooperate with others, communicate with others, and sometimes need to adjust their mentality and practices to cooperate with others. For children, the coexistence of self-consciousness and the consciousness of others constitutes a complete puzzle. They will learn how to look at cooperation and competition, and winning or losing is also part of cooperation and competition. 03 Parents’ attitude towards winning or losing affects their children’s attitudes. If a child “cannot afford to lose” every time, then what we have to consider is whether the child’s reference mark is abnormal when faced with winning or losing. One thing we need to pay attention to here is that, unlike self-consciousness, many contents in the consciousness of others, such as the appearance of altruistic behavior, are learned by children through social imitation. In other words, children will use the feedback and behavior of adults as a reference for self and others. Try to recall, when the child cries and yells “Don’t lose”, how do we respond? Generally speaking, there are two most common types of negative feedback: one is direct compliment, “Where is the loss, let me see, my baby is the best”-this is one-sided exaggeration of the fact; or expressing frustration, “Oh, it’s a pity, I almost won by a little bit”-this is an excessive negative emotion mapping. In fact, these two methods tend to be biased in the study of social imitation. When we ignore the objective reality, one-sidedly exaggerate the performance of the child, or treat it negatively, it is not easy to help the child establish a comprehensive self-understanding, let alone help the child to distinguish the true evaluation of others. Slowly, children will become overly “dependent” on the expressions, words and attitudes of the people around them. The most obvious thing is that the children will pay attention to their parents’ faces, and will judge whether they are good or not according to their faces. OK”. When a child’s inner value is not enough to support himself to form a good self-awareness, the child may feel inferior, withdrawn, wandering, and timid. This is a common “escape” performance; some children will be the opposite and become competitive. , You need to use the affirmation and compliment of others to find your own sense of value, as if only by doing your best can you get the likes and recognition of others. Therefore, how we ourselves think about winning or losing, and how we think about the ranking of children in games, life, and learning, will have a great impact on children’s mentality when facing winning or losing. 04 Help children understand that the value of hard work is the key to guidance. What we need to remind ourselves is that no matter what activities the child is doing, and no matter what achievements the child can achieve, the first thing we must let the child know is that we can see the child’s hard work. This effort is important and valuable. Sometimes children’s judgments about winning or losing are more inconsistent. For example, the younger brother sometimes has to fight for the order of walking, “Brother walks in front, I walk behind”; sometimes he cares about random results “How did my brother get out of the stone, I lost” ; Sometimes the accounting is faster or slower than the reaction speed, “Brother rushes, don’t elder brother rushes”, these “hearts that want to win” make us feel innocent and helpless, right? But even such a small thing, let children understand the value of hard work. For example, at the beginning of the article, the children played a random boxing game. When Eric lost and cried, the first thing I did was to walk over to hug Eric and tell him, “My brother has made a lot of progress, and when my brother shouted rock-paper-scissors, You quickly got out of the stone, and I see you are actively thinking.” In fact, more important than the answer to the outcome of winning or losing is whether we can see where everyone is working hard in this process. You can use body language to express support for your child, and use the child’s behavior we observe as an entry point to guide your child to pay attention to what they and others are doing in the process. What if the child still cries after listening to our observations and statements? I will continue to emphasize: “My brother has worked hard, but the result is not ideal. How do you think we should deal with it?” We can use open discussions to study problems with our children, and try to follow the clues of the children to find a breakthrough. This process is also what we can do. The most direct support to the child. In fact, my answer is not so methodological, but I hope it can give you a more macro and overall perspective. I will also see that sometimes my brother runs faster, my brother will say “I lost, my brother runs faster than me”, but sometimes full of fighting spirit, “Brother, you run first, I will chase you La”, these are all normal behaviors. The phenomenon of “Can’t afford to lose” is just a very small and very small dimension in the behavior of children. It will repeat and grow. We don’t need to artificially magnify the possible negative effects of “fear of losing” on children, or label children “competitive” and “saving face”. Only if we accept that “cannot lose” is a normal thing, we can help our children accumulate enough energy step by step to better face the evaluation of ourselves and others. Finally, only when children can jump out and look at the results of winning or losing, they will know how to keep a normal heart.